Sunday, September 12, 2010

U.S. Open 2010: Roger Federer in 'The Bourne Descendancy'

SATIRE — Jason Bourne was on the run....again.  Momentarily, he forgot where he was.  After all, he had been running away from the authorities from all over the world.  As he sprinted on, he began to search his mind.  Was it Rome, Moscow, London, Nairobi, Cedar Rapids, IA.....Cedar Rapids??
He remembered now.  He pilfered two ears of corn from a farmer's field.  Unfortunately, the farmer had his four acres of corn under video surveillance and called the local authorities.  Now two police cars were in hot pursuit of the ever-sprinting-ahead Bourne.
They surrounded him.  He stood with his hands in the air as the three police officers approached him.  In one swift move he karate chopped, kicked and subdued the officers instantaneously.  However, in his "too quick for the eye" movements, he also elbowed himself in the back of the head, knocking himself out cold.
He woke up on a small town Iowa prison cell.  He was strapped tightly to his chair which was bolted to the floor.  A huge obese man garbed in a local authority uniform with an over-sized belt holding up a gun and a baton.
Deputy:  I am Deputy Amos E. Anderson.  You are going to talk to me and start by stating your name and where your from.
Bourne: I got nothing to say to you.

Deputy:  Then let the torture begin. Fellas come in here.
The fellow officers come in and the deputy leaves the room.  They work Bourne over for two and a half hours.  His face is littered with bruises, black eyes and puffed out lips.  He is coughing out blood when the deputy walks back in.
Deputy: Well now.  You got something to say, now's the time to say it.
Bourne:  You won't get anything out of me.  I am the best at what I do.
Deputy: Oh and what is that?
Bourne:  If I told you, I wouldn't be the best.  Let's just say that I am a Roger Federer at what I do.
Deputy: Roger Federer, huh?  You like him?
Bourne:  He is the best. No questions about it.
Deputy: In that case, Mr. Mystery man.  We have a treat for you.  Hank, bring that DVD machine with the projector in here.  Bring the Roger Federer loop film in here as well.
As they set the DVD projector up, the deputy had a wry grin on his face.  Bourne continued to look out ahead, ready for more physical torture. 

Deputy: Face him toward the projecting wall and make sure he is tightly bound that he cannot look away.  Oh and make sure those metal clamps forcing his eyes open are on tight.
Deputy:  May I present the Federer-Djokovic match already in progress.  The score is presently 5-4 for Roger Federer and he has two match points.  Oh and just in case you missed it, this part has been looped over again and again.
The highlight reels plays over and over again.  Bourne starts to breathe in quick paces.  His veins bulge and bulge.  He starts to shake convulsively.  After the second loop starts, he looks about to explode.
Bourne:  ARGGH.  Okay, Okay I will talk.  My name is Jason Bourne and I took those corn.  I'll do whatever you want.  Just stop the DVD....just stop it!!!!!"
Deputy:  Ok, Hank.  That'll do.  Mr. Bourne that will be $4025.
Bourne: $4025?  It was two ears of corn I took!
Deputy:  Well, that is $25 for both ears of corn, $2000 for the officers you took down, $1500 for my time spent interrogating you and $500 for the DVD rental equipment.
Bourne:  This is outrageous!

Deputy:  Hank, run that footage again and program it to stop tomorrow morning.
Bourne:  Okay, Okay!  I will pay it. I'll pay the $4025.
Deputy: You mean $6025.
Bourne: What I mean yes I will pay it.  Just let me out of here.
Bourne pays the fee and sets off on the lonely Iowa road.
Deputy:  Hank, keep that DVD guarded safely.  It's a real Iowa cash cow.  
The officers giggle amongst themselves and head out to their local donut shop.

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