Tuesday, September 14, 2010

A Dennis Miller Rant On The Current State Of Tennis At Bleacher's Report

Hello Tennis Boobies,
Your articles have been coming out like “Ellen” with her big announcement from her sitcom.  It has been slow, painful to watch, and the climax was like …”oh it’s a gay thing.”
Now, I don’t want to get off on a rant here people, but do you call yourselves writers?  I’ve seen better writing on a grimy inside of the men’s’ bathroom stall.  At least that takes my mind of the minor constipation caused by the one too many cheese nachos from Taco Bell. Bad news is that I got to get out before 2:30 rolls around.
You people at Bleacher Report carry on like you actually know these tennis players.  Have you ever actually talked to these people outside their sport?  Ever talked to Roger Federer on an escalator to a three-story department store?  No, because he doesn’t go there and if he did, you would be stammering there in front of him like Forrest Gump trying to figure out which chocolate is giving him the hives.
The people I like most about B/R are the plagiarists.  If you don’t know what plagiarism is, look it up on someone’s article and then copy and paste it on your own. Might as well also do the same with “originality” and cap it off with that great word “irony.”
As we speak, there are at least three articles up that are stating that Roger Federer’s career is over.  Did you guys get together for a sleepover before deciding that all of you were going to spew the same pajama party sh*t? Were you keeping an air tight alibi for each other?

Then we have the Rafa haters, the Roger haters, the Novak lovers.  These articles are like a mixed party snack gone bad.  You never know which one of them is going to make you vomit before it’s too late.
How about those classy, stylish people who call themselves the Brits?  I tip my hat off to you, wave my bowl of strawberries at you, smile before I curtly declare:
Get the f*ck off of Murray’s back already, you vulturous snobby geeks from Coronation Street.  “Oh Dear, Murray has disappointed us again.”  If you showed him half the support you have for lower life animal forms, you might want to have a “jolly old chap” victory celebration when he reaches the fourth round.  Then, maybe, then he will play freely without the weighted burden of British fanny fans on his shoulders.
Here’s a revelation for all you soft hearts out there who feel for these athletes when they lose.  You know what, SOMEONE has to lose.  These athletes get paid a lot of money win or lose. 
My heart goes out to Novak Djokovic for his loss against Rafael Nadal.  Because $200,000 is not enough to assuage his ego, he needs my sympathy to boot.  Poor Roger Federer lost and collected a mere $150,000 and probably the bonus for maybe winning the US Open series.  God, I feel so bad for him.
Lastly, I know I am going to get the comments from the various imbeciles out there not brainy enough to read HUMOR (or HUMOUR if you are Canadian).  If you don’t understand the tone, google Dennis Miller and look up “rant.”  “Oh I didn’t like his rant, it was too angry!”
Support your fellow female writers on this site before you click on the soft porn links.  Of course, that is just my opinion and I could be wrong.

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