SATIRE — Hey middle-agers and seniors!
Are you longing to the glory days of tennis?
Can't keep up with the new and upcoming faces of the racket sport?
Do you remember the days when tennis was about hitting the ball to the other side of the court and not worrying about top-spin, racket technology, or which banana or power drink was needed for replenishment on the change-over?
Do you hate having to watch players towel off after every single point?
Well, have we got news for you. Ronco, in association with Hack Productions, brings you...
The Three Baseliners In Concert
Roger Federer, Rafael Nadal, and Andy Murray sing the praises of the older generation of tennis players. They sing their hearts, hearkening to the days when men's tennis shorts were...well...just short! Here they are singing that classic song:
Johnny Mac (Sung to the tune Jimmy Mac)
Johnny, Johnny, oh Johnny Mac when are you coming back
Johnny, Johnny, Oh Johnny Mac when are you coming back.
My arms are tired blue, no one hits the ball like you
I am going to lose the set when you charge to the net!
Johnny, Johnny, oh Johnny Mac when are you coming back
Johnny, Johnny, Oh Johnny Mac when are you coming back.
Yes, when the Three Baseliners get singing you'll be wishing for chippin and charging. Here they are singing about another baseliner Ivan Lendl tribute:
Robot Man (Sung to the tune Nowhere Man)
He's a real robot man.
Hitting all his wild forehands
Doesn't give a chance to win for nobody.
Never sad and never jolly
Doesn't know the serve and volley
Making all his Wimbledon plans for nobody.
Order now and get a five-setter of walloping hits sung by the best movers and shakers around! The Three Baseliners drive home their points so well there is no return service. Here they are grinding it out in a daring but glowing tribute to Bjorn Borg:
I'm a Borg (Sung to the tune "Bitch")
I'm a Borg, I'm a stroker
I am stern not a joker, there is nothing I can't do
I send right across to you
I'm a God, I am Thor
I am better than before
I can hit down the line
Wimbledon will be mine
You know I couldn't have it any other way.
Purchase this package now and we will send you a free Rafael Nadal/Roger Federer duet performance. Watch and admire their unswerving dedication and passion as they sing:
To All The Players I Beat Before (sung to "To All The Girls I Have Loved Before)
Nadal: To all di players I beat before
Federer: We bagled their asses out the door.
Nadal: I know it may be wrong.
Federer: But we enjoyed it all along
Both: To all the players we beat before.
Call our operators now and mention the code "Tim Ruffin's a hack" and we will give you the entire collection for the low, low price of $49.99USD (that is 249 pounds if you are a Murray fan). Our operators are standing by hoping to get your credit card.
Soon you'll be hearing "The Three Baseliners" crooning it out for a glowing Rod Laver tribute:
Tie Me Tennis Shoes Up, Mate (Sung to the tune Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport)
Tie me tennis shoes up, mate.
Tie me tennis shoes up.
I've been falling all over the place
Tie me tennis shoes up.
You'll get these and other great songs like the Andre Agassi-inspired "Crystal Meth Persuasion" and the Tipsarevic-inspired "I wear my sunglasses on court."
Call and order now and we'll even send you the crappy wooden racket that Bjorn Borg won his first tournament with. Our operators are standing by!
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