Sunday, September 19, 2010

Binge 2010: The Mardy Fish, Andy Roddick, Novak Djokovic Dinner (Satire)

SATIRE — Somewhere in New York on the upper west side, they got together for their secret dinner.  They were excited.  It was the anticipation of the event plus the fact that none of their respective coaching staff knew.  Mardy, Andy and Novak sat down, each neatly and formally dressed. Their table was on the second story with a multitude of customers just below them. 
It was a suave French restaurant which boasted two stories of fine atmosphere and dining.  There were loyal patrons on both floors soaking up the elegant ambiance and quite ambivalent to its exorbitant pricing.
Djokovic:  You having something from the seafood section, Fish?
Fish:  Very funny, Joker.  Gawd, you should have been in stand-up.  Your jokes, your impressions and the way you look when a shot does not go your way....
Roddick:  Come on, ladies.  Let's get down to why we are really here.  Let's get this five course sucker started with an appetizer.  Waiter!
Waiter:  (In a French accent) Good evening, Monsieurs.  May I take your ordeur.
Roddick:  Yeah, I am going to have five cheeseburgers, onion rings, a slurpee....
Djokovic:  Hold on there B-Rod...
Roddick:  It's the first letter in the alphabet or is that not the first in the Serbian one..what is it...Alpha? Call me Alpha Rod...
Djokovic:  Look, you cannot go ordering American fast food in a French restaurant.  (To the waiter) Monsieur est-ce que vous pouvez porter les escargot pour tout le monde avec un belle bouteille du vin?
Waiter:  Bien sur, Monsieur.  Je reviens.
Fish: What the hell was that all about?
Djokovic: I just ordered the appetizers and a nice bottle of wine.
Fish:  Awesome dude.  I don't care what kind of crap they make here as long as they cook the red meat medium rare that is all I care about.
Roddick:  Hey Fish you did quite well out there before the US Open.  Joker, you did well from the start of the US Open.
Fish:  And you did well at neither events.
Roddick:  Get off of my back, Fish.  Do you realize that each of us has beaten Roger Federer.  How many people can boast about that?
Djokovic:  Um... Nadal, Berdych, Baghdatis, Murray...
Roddick:  You know what Djoker, just shut up.  Okay.  Shut up.  Aren't you supposed to be somewhere else finding a new ailment in case you have to retire?
Fish:  Hey guys.  We are here to binge.  Cut the crap, here comes the waiter.
The waiter serves them with freshly baked escargot swimming in a delicious garlic sauce. The three men devour the appetizer.
Fish: That was great.  What the hell was that?
Djokovic:  In the interest of everyone involved, I will tell you later on in the evening.  I went ahead and pre-ordered the main course and you guys are going to love it.  This place serves the best Beef Bourguignon ever.  They are going to bring it out and leave the pot in the middle of our table.
Roddick: An all you can eat beef buffet?  That is awesome!!!
Fish: Truly excellent!!
Five minutes later, the waiter brings out a huge pot of Beef Bourguignon and places it at the middle of the table.  He gives each athlete a healthy portion of buttery smooth mashed potatoes. The men eat at a ravishing pace and in only slow down about 45 minutes later.  Finally, all of them pull to a slow stop and each one is holding their belly. 
Fish:  Oh my stomach!  I used to be able to put this away with no problem but I am not sure I am going to keep this down.
Roddick:  Me too.  This stuff really weighs you down.  It came down with a vengeance and my stomach has a little bounce.
Djokovic: I guess this is as good as any time to tell you that the appetizers that you ate were really snails swimming in garlic.
That revelation was the last straw for Mardy Fish.  He stood up but his newly grown belly caught the end of the table hurling its contents over to the unsuspecting patrons eating below. Large amounts of Beef Bourguignon splattered all over the floors, tables and people's faces. 
The large heavy pot landed square on top of an obese bald man who was eating a Waldorf salad.  He ate a piece of the beef before realizing what happened.  "Not bad" was all he said before conking out of consciousness and falling to the floor.  His nagging wife got up and looked at him.
Nagging Wife:  You see, I told you red meat was bad for you but oh no does he listen...
High above the wavering chaos, the three men watched in horror the calamity that their fallen food had caused.  Watching at the rail, Roddick was the first to hurl downwards adding his own contents to the swirling pandemic below. 
Fish, not to be outdone, followed suit.  Djokovic who did not feel sick, felt compelled to vomit to keep the bond of friendship between them intact.  Meanwhile, the first floor patrons slipped and slithered to the exits adding their own regurgitation to the growing sloth. 
After all the accounts were settled with the restaurant, the three went out the back exit and stood on the street waiting for their rides.
Fish: Well, we will have to do this again sometimes.
Roddick:  Yeah but not here though.
Djokovic:  With all the money we threw at this restaurant, I still do not think they will have us back.
Roddick: Strange as this may seems, I am hungry again.  Anyone for Skyburgers?
Fish: I am in.
Djokovic: Me too.  But this time I think we will do take out and maybe eat in the limo.
Roddick: I am with you on that one.  Let's go.


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