Monday, September 27, 2010

A United Nations Address

Looking at my stats, I have seen that I have an international albeit a small audience.   So on my little podium known as my desktop computer, let me address my supporters all around the world before they get back to that world and conveniently forget who and what I am about. (Too late)

I see the majority of my viewers come from Canada.  That is nice to see because one thing we really appreciate in Canada are our own bright stars who flee down to the United States to make it big.   Then, we proudly make them our own.  If we had not done this, Superman would be fighting for "Truth, Justice and the Canadian Way".  Yes, Superman flew down to New York or um...Metropolis where he made it big, leaving us with ....Captain Canuck.  Yikes!

I did not get much support in the Middle East with my site so far.  I guess I did not write "death to Americans" enough throughout my blog although with that phrase in this one sentence, I should be able to get one viewer from Syria.

Speaking of Americans, they represent my second largest fan following.  Still no talent scout from L.A. banging down my door with a mega dollar contract in his hand for signing.  Nah, in order to do that, I have to have a gory, blood-soaked, graphic blog equivalent to something like Maury Povich and some surprise cross-cultural and maybe cross-species paternity tests.  What point was I trying to make again?  Oh yeah, welcome America!

Checking in at number three is beautiful exotic India.  I was thinking that if there was a way to cyber hook up with every "Kwiki-mart" between here and New Jersey, I would reach at least a tenth of India's one billion people.  Mind you, most of them probably would not understand a word that I would have to say unless I quoted something basic out of "Hindi For Dummies".  By the way, I have found a way to get my annoying cloying cat out of my studio room.  If he hangs around an annoys me, I put on a Bollywood film and he gets the message real quick.  Thank you, India!

There are five supporters in Singapore and I personally know one of them.  What a viral explosion!  However, I have to keep it clean on here because Singapore is an extremely clean country and there are heavy fines for people who read smut or smut-like topics and that includes swearing.  Fudge!

Checking in next is the enigmatic country that does not know what to call itself.  If you ask any Londoner where they are from you could get at least four different answers.  "England, Great Britain, the United Kingdom. Britain or even the UK".  Whatever the case, they do have a more sense of modesty here than in America.  If you ask an American where he lives he is more likely to respond - "on the greatest f***ing country on the planet!!".  Sadly, Britain has been on a steep decline.  First, the sun did set on the British Empire, the Beatles broke up and we are left with ... Susan Boyle.  Oh and Charles is next in line to be king with his wife Camilla.   Ta Ta!

Rounding out the bottom of the list are some former Soviet republics - Russia, Hungary and the Czech Republic.  When Ronald Reagan and his advisers toured the Kremlin, they got to see Gorbachev's luxury accommodations.  Reagan who was already past seventy stood up to Gorby and said "Mr. Gorbachev. tear down this wall!"  Gorbachev responded "NYET!"  Reagan was not to be denied.  "TEAR DOWN THIS WALL!"  "NYET!" came the answer.  It was tense.  World War III was imminent.  Finally, a nervous Soviet adviser whispered to his American counterpart.  "He thinks you want to tear down his bedroom wall."  After the adviser relayed the info to Reagan, he declared, "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down the Berlin Wall."  Gorbachev agreed and the two men hugged signalling the end of the Cold War.  They then spent the rest of the afternoon testing out the bounciness of Mr. Gorbachev's luxury bed.   Welcome back to Capitalism!

That concludes my address. If your country is not mentioned here, send me a note and I will be more than happy to mock it...umm as nicely as I can of course.  I'm Canadian, I will be gentle to keep the peace.

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