SATIRE — Tennis superstar Roger Federer today shocked the world by confessing that he is in reality a chain-smoker. He held a press conference today in Basel, Switzerland to offer his sincere apologies in Tiger Woods-like fashion. Here is the transcript:
"First of all, I want to apologize to my wife Mirka. I am sorry that I deceived you and the twins. I realize the road to recovery is going to be long. But I am committed to making amends and not having to cough through it."
"I want to make clear that in no way did Mirka ever hand me a cigarette nor did she ever suggest doing so. She is completely innocent in this ordeal. I want her and the world to know that I am using the patch and will return to smoker's therapy as soon as I am done here."
"My lung infection was my body telling me that it was not going to tolerate a pack a day while I compete in the Grand slams. I want to also apologize to my parents for letting them down although, Dad, I did see some questionable plants you were growing downstairs in the basement where my bedroom used to be."
"I want to thank the players on the tour for their understanding. I want you to know that I will be back better than ever and if you think I was tough after beating you while smoking "camels", you better watch out when I finally kick the habit."
"I hope to back for tennis someday. I am not sure when that day will be but I think it could be for Indian Wells. Indian Wells will be a challenge for me because of the great memories and smokes at the reservation over there. I want to send a big puff out to my friend Chachi."
Although Roger Federer did lose Nike and Adidas as sponsors, he did pick up Du Maurier's and Malboro to compensate.
Upon finishing his interview, Roger was whisked away into his smokey limo where he was rumored to have said "Light me up!" upon entering it.