Saturday, May 22, 2010

The Onion: America's Finest New Source Except For Tennis [Satire]

SATIRE—The Onion News, a self-congratulatory satire paper circulating in the American West has decided to alter its slogan due to its poor tennis coverage. 
When asked why tennis was not listed in the sports section of the paper, Editor Joe Randazzo replied "Aieeeee, ma fung**le.  If I wanna write bout dat,  I ama gonna write about my squash buddies.  Besides, badminton is a fairy sport and it don't matter to me if that Raffie Nadali wins his French Badminton trophy again."
"I only gonna write aboud him if he joins da NBA...otherwise get da f*** out of my face so I can stuff it with my cannolies."
Senior editor Todd "toddie on the poddie" Hanson was more surprised by the question.  "Are they still playing that sport?  I thought they closed it all up when Jimmy Connors retired."
Contributing editor Danny Mulligan said he had nothing to contribute.
Each of the writing staff was asked about the French Open and was completely stunned to find out it had nothing to do with golf but said it did not matter because they hate all things French.
When asked who Roger Federer was, almost half of the writing staff thought he was a razor salesman. The rest drew a blank stare.
Editorial manager Kate Palmer, decided on adding the "except for tennis" to the Onion slogan because she said snubbing talented tennis writers and looking stupid was more of the American way and the Onion did not want to disappoint worldly views of this stereotype.

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