Monday, November 16, 2009

Andre Agassi's Big Misunderstanding

SATIRE — Andre Agassi finally acknowledged that there has been a monstrous error in his new book "Open".
"I meant to say that I had taken Crystal Pez and not Crystal Meth.  I had a serious addiction to the crystal Pez dispensers back in 1997.  It was so bad that I offered to buy out the production company to discontinue the product", he said.
Andre said that the Pez head kept looking at him and providing him with continuous sweet candy.
"I would push back his head and yet another piece of candy would appear.  It was relentless and never-ending."
Agassi at first denied reports that he was using Crystal Pez to his family and the press.  His coach at the time, knew better.
"I would walk in and see him with a family of Pez dispensers and he would try to cover it up.", said former coach Brad Gilbert.
"He tried to make it seem like he was giving these toys to friend's kid but all the candy in each one had been consumed.  That is when I knew that he needed help."
Agassi checked in to the Betty Ford Candy Clinic for severe diagnosis of sucrose addiction.  Four and a half months later, he was clean.
"I just want to say that maybe my experience can be a lesson to others.  Just say no to Pez dispensers.  Don't feel sorry for Pez just because he has only a head and no hands or legs.  Just move on."
The Pez Company has declined interviews but has stated that its Crystal Pez lines are now oddly out of stock.

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