Tuesday, October 27, 2009

The Newest Testament: The Greatest Tennis Birth Story Ever Told

SATIRE — In the beginning there was Goat. Goat made the world and saw it was good.  He even made some animals in the pasture in his own image. Goat worked hard on creating different things on Earth. His last creation took place just before the weekend (Saturday for the Jews and Sunday for everybody else). That last creation was mankind.
On Friday, March 12, 5025 BC at 4 p.m., Goat let out a huge sigh. "Holy sh**, am I bushed!" And so, He rested and took the weekend off.
He soon got really bored with humanity and so to make things interesting, He decided to mess around with their minds.
"Let me favor one group of people over the other and see what happens." He said.
He soon got tired of that and decided to punish his favored group.
Several thousands of years went by when Goat had an idea. "I know, I will create a flood in which I will attempt to kill every living thing on the planet."
"That might be boring so I am going to put all my cards on this one guy. I will ask him to build a boat. Anything that goes on that boat will survive. Everything else is f***ed. Wait, hee hee. He is going to have to get two of every living thing on that boat. Priceless!"
Noah looking up, could hardly believe his ears. Before any thoughts came to his mind, Goat spoke down in a thunderous voice. "If you want to think of those thoughts, I will smote thee and get someone else to build the bloody boat."
Noah built the biggest boat. It was so huge, he named it "Titanic." It was a huge zoo of animals and a vast laboratory of every insect and plant living on the planet. Some species did not survive because Noah accidentally collected two males hence the birth of homosexuality.
Goat flooded the earth and in doing so killed out one species that had been mankind's worst enemythe Unicorn. The unicorn had literally been a pain in the ass, impaling men and women although the women seemed to not mind as much. Noah who was previously a Unicorn's b*tch, conveniently left them off the list.
Goat grew tired of watching the boat float and decided to run it right into an iceberg.  Luckily, the iceberg was connected to a whole bunch of others, allowing the inhabitants on the boat to get out and survive.
Goat eventually allowed the water to recede and it seemed the large icebergs grew and became huge mountains. Noah and a team went up there looking for food but because Goat in his wisdom had killed everything, they became cold and hungry up there.
They came back screaming "Help! help!" The people by the boat thought they said, "Alp Alp." ...and so the mountain became known as the Alps.
In this small area of land, there came a very brave man who challenged Goat.
His name was Albert Schweitzer. He openly declared his non-belief in Goat. Goat smote him down but the people took great pity and named their land after himSchweitzerland.  It was shortened later to Switzerland.
Another thousand years came and went and Goat got tired of watching from above. He wanted in on the action down below. People were developing sports, entertaining, working and anything else that came with living a human life.
Goat decided to become a human. But how? Who would run the show while he was gone?  Easy, He would simply be in two places at the same time. He would pick an unsuspecting couple, inseminate the wife and become the offspring.
Robert Federer and his South African exchange student girlfriend had just started dating.  Lynette was a stunning beauty who was attracted to Robert's walrus moustache, his good looks and his penchant for Swiss fondue dinners.
Their relationship became passionate and let's just say that this was one Swiss who did not have clockwork-like timing.  Goat brought on a rainstorm in the fields where they lay, prompting Robert to do a coitus interruptus.
Goat planted his own seed in the raindrops that fell onto Lynette who screamed to Robert to get off his arse and cover her with a towel.
A few months later, Lynette learned she was with child.  Robert married her in a small quiet ceremony and they moved to the spicy town of Basel.
It was tourist season and all the hotel rooms were booked for months. Luckily, Robert had been a dynamite TNT technician. He found a huge mountain and blasted a cave out of it, careful not to cause an avalanche.
They brought their animals into the cave and Robert built a huge fire. Goat busy watching all of this, decided to send some of his angel messengers to the skiers on the mountain to tell them of the miraculous birth about to happen.
The skiers were freaked out and a few wiped out on the mountain. Many were tourists and did not know the mountain well and ended up getting lost. Others looked to the stars in the sky and followed the Big Dipper into Italy.
Two or three managed to make it to the cave and bent down on their skis to pay homage to the new Federer who had just been born about fifteen minutes earlier.
After five minutes of loving adoration, they got up and left for the chalet worrying that they may have missed the early-bird supper.
Not happy with just the little fanfare that this birth had received, Goat arranged to have three wise menBorg, Lendl, and McEnroe wonder aimlessly to pay homage. They finally entered the cave seeking refuge from the turbulent storm outside.
Borg, who many had compared to the Swedish god Thor, was the first to speak up.  "We have come bearing gifts. We bring gold (tennis balls), Wilson (tennis rackets), and Nike (shoes) as a token of our worship of the anointed one."
Lendl stepped forward, silently stared and bowed. He then stepped back. McEnroe stepped forward, looked at the baby and scoffed "You can't be serious!"
Just then a tennis ball whipped out from the baby's direction, hitting McEnroe between the eyes. McEnroe blinked uncontrollably and wobbled his head before collapsing.
As McEnroe slowly stirred, all three of the wise men looked at Lynette who was starting to glow with love for her son. They waited in anticipation to her reaction to their gifts.
Finally she spoke.
"What useless f***ing *&^% is this? Open your eyes, it is a BABY.  Could you not have brought something to help us out here...oh I don't know...like DIAPERS....how about ...oh, BABY OIL or CREAM.  What the F*** were you thinking bringing him tennis gear!"
Lendl broke his silence. "I am sorry milady but you should not be taking these gifts in the literal sense. It is very symbolic."
Lynette cut him off. Take your goddamn tennis balls, rackets and shoes which by the way would never FIT HIM! Take them and your God-damn symbolism and get out. GET OUT!! GET OUT!!
Robert Federer ushered them out and frowned while issuing a brief apologetic statement. "I am so sorry but you really came in at the wrong time of the month."
As they faced the brutal whipping wind and snow, McEnroe turned to Borg and said, "I am going to whip your a** in Wimbledon for this."

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