Friday, June 19, 2009

Star Trek Episode: The Federer Salvage

SATIRE — Captain Kirk (Spoken in pauses and quick sentences):  Captain's Log Stardate 0423157 point 2.  The Enterprise has gone through time travel back to 2009 to investigate a possible malfunction of spy drone and an older one.
The...purpose of these...drones..are two-fold.  The primary focus is to...collect as much...information-on-the-early 21st century culture so that the Federation can...keep the universal time-lines intact.
The second and equally important purpose is to elevate the game of men's tennis which has become...boring...and...dull!
Spock:  Captain, upon researching the earth history data-banks, I have found that the 1981 spy drone has slipped in its performance while the 1956 model has made a series of public re-appearances to observe the 1981 model.
While the 1956 model seems supportive of its younger sibling it has come out and consistently predicted against the 1981's success on numerous occasions.  Quite curious these human made drones.
Dr. McCoy:  They are drones for God's sake.  Only thing worse than that would be a Vulcan convention on the protocols of logic!
Spock: To be politically correct, Doctor, I find your humor to be mentally-challenged.
Dr. McCoy: Why you green-blooded Vulcan...
Captain Kirk: Gentlemen, we...cannot spend this episode fighting...we' work to do.  Since the...Enterprise is in no immediate danger - Bones, Spock, Mr. Chekhov and two of the red uniform guys that will die - you're all with me to beam down.
Mr. Scott:  Aye, Captain
Captain Kirk:  I need you here on the Enterprise in case we...have to blow something up!  Gentlemen, transporter room please.  Mr. Scott, beam us down to the Sony Ericsson Open, April 2009 and...hurry!
Mr. Scott: Aye, Sir
The landing party beams down to the lounge area of the men's locker room.  All the tennis players are glued to the high-placed large tv set. 
Roger Federer is battling Novak Djokovic for a berth in the finals against Andy Murray. As the crew watches along with everyone, they see Federer break his racket.  Everyone reacts stunned.
Captain Kirk:  Spock, we get to him...somehow!
Spock:  Captain, I believe we are in a prestigious place called the men's locker room.  I believe he will come to us.
Federer loses the match and leaves the court coming into the locker-room.  Kirk motions Spock around the other side and approaches Federer himself.
Captain Kirk:  Mr. Federer, I am.........
Roger Federer (can't wait for the pause):  Look, I don't have time for an interview much less a reporter who cannot finish his sentences and I am really not in the mood.
Captain Kirk: Is that Nadal over there?
Roger Federer (turns around): Where?
BA-NAAA!  Spock vulcan-pinches Roger Federer who slinks to the ground.  They drag him to a small private room where they work on him. 
Spock opens up the back of his head which lights up like an night-time airstrip.  Spock puts in a new vitalized computer chip and closes up the back of Federer's head. 
Captain Kirk flicks open his communicator.
Captain Kirk: Scotty, beam us to Stockholm, Sweden and...hurry!
The crew beam to a small downtown club where Bjorn Borg is talking to a few reporters.  Borg sees the crew appearing and immediately runs off.  Captain Kirk and his landing party chase after him. 
Captain Kirk:  After him, he is getting away!
They pursue Borg down to the Swedish subway.  Borg tries to jump on a moving train and misses, landing on the tracks and receives 50,000 volts of energy. 
The two red uniforms being the first to arrive, are about to phaser Borg when he zaps them killing them instantly.  Borg goes back on the track to zap more energy from the system. 
He zaps a hole in the wall and rides his own electrical current discharge right into the open air and out of the area.
Kirk and the crew finally show up and survey the area.  McCoy tends to the two red-uniformed crewmen. 
Dr. McCoy:  They're dead, Jim.
Spock stares at the subway wall.  Kirk comes to see what Spock is looking at.
Spock: Fascinating.
Across the wall in black burnt-out letters spelled the ominous sign:
Captain Kirk: Spock, I believe we just witnessed the birth of something...something...Spock: Evil, Captain?
Captain Kirk: Yes, evil and will you quit trying to finish my sentences...I cannot...Spock: Think?
Captain Kirk: ...function!!  Scotty, four to beam up.
Dr. McCoy: I call shotgun!!
Spock: Really, doctor.
The party beams back to the Enterprise.  Later Kirk again concludes his log.
Captain Kirk:  Captain's log stardate 023578 point 2.  We were.....successful in repairing the 1981 spy drone.  It is already responding well.
However, we could not capture the 1956 model and refers to what we only know now as ...The Borg...
I wonder if it will become another..... challenge for mankind yet to...encounter.   We have searched and searched for it, not finding anything.  I is...long...gone.   Oh well...probably it will be...someone else's problem.
Kirk out.

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