SATIRE — He had no idea how he got there, but Roger Federer was facing his toughest opponent yet. He knew he had a chance though because the tennis court was a neatly trimmed plush grass of the likes of which he had never seen before.
At first he thought it was Bjorn Borg on the other side. A long-haired man with a neatly trimmed beard was on the other side warming up. Roger could see that the man was playing with physically visible signs of tendinitis in both hands and both feet.
Roger looked over at the chair umpire and relished the irony in recognizing him to be John McEnroe. McEnroe summoned both players to the front of his chair.
"Alright, I want a fair fight, Jesus, no funny stuff; just plain good ol' tennis understood?", he said. "That means no coaching from any outsiders like your mother or your father or ...you! I mean, umm...keep the trinity out of this. Whatever, just keep it clean."
Roger served first and won the first game. Jesus then served and held. They went back and forth throughout the first set until it was tied 6-6. They then proceeded to the tiebreak.
On a crucial point, Jesus appeared to hit a ball well outside but all of a sudden the court line expanded and the ball landed in. It would have given the Lord a 6-5 lead.
John McEnroe stopped the play. "Jesus Christ!!"
Jesus replied with an innocent glance. "Yes?"
McEnroe was taken aback. "Uh yeah, come over here." Jesus approached the chair. "What did I tell you about keeping it clean?"
Jesus protested "I know not what thou means, sire".
McEnroe was not impressed. "For Chr***'s Sake, I mean...you kept the shot clean but you cannot adjust the lines. Now I have to award the point to Roger."
Jesus replied, "If thou sayest so."
McEnroe was not finished. "YES I SAYEST SO! NOW STEP BACK AND KEEP IT CLEAN AND KNOCK OFF THE BIBLICAL TALK, PAL.
It was 6-6 all and Roger served an ace down the middle. Federer then returned Jesus serve who then tripped over his white flowing robe and thus dropped the set.
Roger then took the second set 6-1 mostly due to the fact that Jesus was slowing down with his sandals. His feet were beginning to ache.
For the third set, Jesus took of his robe and played in his white loin cloth. It did the trick for he won the set 6-4. Roger complained to McEnroe.
"Hey it's not fair that I have to look at his thin body covered in slash marks, bruises and a hole in the side. It really ruins my concentration."
McEnroe called Jesus over. "Nice tactics, Jesus. However, I am going to have to insist that you put on the appropriate clothing. Hey, take that crown of thorns off too while you are at it. You can put it back on if you win the match."
Jesus stared at McEnroe for a bit, then shook off his crown and put his robe back on. He was going to deal with Nike very harshly if he won this match.
Roger broke Jesus in the fourth set but Jesus broke back the next game. They remained on serve up to a second tie break at 6-6.
The tie break went on serve up to 14-14. Jesus looking at Roger and seeing his sheer determination said, "How is your belief, son?" He then thundered a serve down the "T" which Roger returned with a beautiful backhand down the line.
Roger looked over at the messiah.
"My belief is pretty good. I beat Santa three days ago and I beat the Tooth Fairy yesterday in the semis and I am about to beat you now." With that, he threw the ball up in the air and served a hard ace to far outside leaving Jesus wondering where the ball went.
Jesus immediately rewound the play to make sure the ball was on the line.
McEnroe stood up on his chair and yelled, "JES** CHRI**, THAT BALL WAS IN!!!! GAME, SET, MATCH, ROGER FEDERER!! 7-6, 6-1, 4-6, 16-14."
Jesus fell to his knees and the ground began to shake. Just then, Mirka was shaking Roger awake.
"Roger wake up. You have to play Rafa today for the Madrid finals. What is that silly smile on your face?", she asked.
Roger's smile widened. "If Rafa thinks he can walk on water, I will still beat him."
And the rest as they say, is history.