Tuesday, May 19, 2009
SATIRE — The following is based on a hearsay story that I overheard about two years ago. Some of it may have likely happened but I embellished the rest:
As Andy Roddick was preparing for his match for the Masters series in Montreal, Canada, a very large middle-aged fan carrying two hot dogs, a large popcorn, a pretzel and an equally huge coke sat down in the stands behind him.
Roddick was warming up with some serve and volleys. When he heard the huge man bellow out.
"You are not doing it right! You are going to be wiped out before the first set is over!"
Roddick glanced back and went wide-eyed when he saw the large man couched over two seats, settling in with his portable feast.
Roddick went back to his warm-up and continued to serve into the open court.
"You got to put more spin on your serves! Djokovic is going to eat you for lunch!"
Roddick looked at the ground and slowly turned towards the obnoxious fan. There was no way he was going to let this one pass.
"Sir, why don't you get yourself another hot dog or five?", he said with a snicker.
The fan burped back. "I already have three here and I got another one in my back pocket."
"You need to get more spin on your serve, otherwise I won't be able to finish all my food here by the time you lose and while you are at it, stop puffing up your cheeks every time you serve!"
Roddick stared at the fan for a moment that never seemed to end.
"Sir, this is not a kiddie soccer game, you know."
The fan was stuffing his face with a hot dog and a candy bar at the same time.
"Duh, you think? I got kicked out of my son's game. They pleaded with me and sent me free tickets to see you! It's not about me, it's about you working on properly serving and not screwing up your backhand.
Just then the chair umpire cautioned everyone to be quiet as the match between Roddick and Djokovic was about to start.
Roddick served first and the ralley progressed with Roddick losing the point with a weak shot that went into the net.
Immediately after the point, amidst the polite applause, the large fan bellowed, "GO TO THE NET!! GO TO THE NET!!"
Before Roddick served he looked at the obese fan.
"Sir, I think your cola is running low." As he approached the base line he heard that fan yell out.
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT...THIS IS A ONE POINT FIVE GALLON CUP....BUURRRRP!!!"
Roddick kept his head down and continued to serve. He ended being broken on his first service game.
He heard one voice above the polite applause. "SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO ME ABOUT YOUR SERVING!!"
Looking up at the stands, Roddick could see the fan had finished with the hot dogs and was working on a paper container of french fries with another large container of popcorn.
"WATCH THE LINE! HE IS GOING TO SERVE DOWN THE LINE!!!"
Roddick waited for the ball and missed it as it was fired down the line!!
"I TOLD YOU IT WAS COMING DOWN THE LINE, BUT DOES HE LISTEN.....NOOOOOO!"
Roddick went to the other side of the court to get ready for the next serve.
"IT'S GOING TO COME ON THE FAR SIDE."
Roddick went to the far side but the ball still came down the line. He was nowhere near it as it whizzed by.
During the applause, the annoying voice shrieked...."OOOPS - HAHAHAA" Roddick soon was trailing the match.
Before Roddick changed ends, he spoke with the chair ump.
"Can't you do anything about that di** in the stands?" He asked.
The chair ump said that he was not speaking during the moments of play but could only ask for calm before the points. Roddick switched ends and could now see the large man continue to eat fries and to throw popcorn in the air that would fall into his large awaiting mouth.
Roddick could not concentrate and threw the tennis ball up in the air and thundered it with his racket.
The ball sailed over the net. It sailed high past the boxed line, sailing far above Djokovic's head who immediately turned to follow the rising ball.
Picking up speed the ball sailed right into the direction of the large fan. It impacted right at the point of the fan's large popcorn box, causing a huge explosion of popcorn.
His immediate neighbors were rained on with a fourth of July works of hot buttered popcorn.
The fan's reaction was immediate. "YOU OWE ME $6.50 FOR THAT POPCORN AND NOW I HAVE POPCORN IN MY FRIES, COKE AND CANDY FLOSS!! BETTER MAKE THAT $30!"
Just then security showed up. Two men asked the fan to leave but he was suctioned into his two-seat space.
A team of ten security members had to pull him out as he kept yelling last-minute instructions to Roddick. Just before exiting, he was still going at it.
"YOU'RE GOING TO MISS ME ANDY. YOU NEED ME!! BY THE WAY, TAKE THE G** DAMN HAT OFF, IT'S CLOUDY!
He disappeared with security all of them slipping on the grease that his incoming food had caused.
Posted by Robert at 1:50 AM