Roger Federer Hoists $25 Walmart Nut Bowl For Cincinnati Win (Humor)

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(Photo by Nick Laham/Getty Images)

SATIRE — Cincinnati organizer Keith Levitt was frantic.  He had worked hard and long to make sure that the Cincinnati Masters went off without a hitch.  He knew all eyes would definitely be on the city especially during the men's tour.
Levitt tried to breathe a sigh of relief but he had that nagging feeling that he forgot something.
That something was going wallop him with about a half an hour remaining in the final between Roger Federer and Novak Djokovic.
The realization made his eyes widen with horror.  With one heart-attack induced gasp, he screamed.
"SH*T!!!!  THE F**CK'N TROPHIES!!!
He yelled for his assistant Arnie "Goonie" Gobson.  Gobson was a slow-witted nephew that Levitt promised to take under his wing.
He smacked Arnie's hand with $150.  "Get over to any trophy store you can and get something that involves a tennis theme.  You have to get back here before the match is over so...MOVE!"
Before Arnie could ask any questions, Uncle Keith pushed him out the door.  Arnie did not know of any trophy stores and if he did, this was Sunday. So he went to the only store that he knew could help him out.
He went to Wal-Mart.
He asked almost every associate where he could get a pair of trophies, but no one had any idea of what he wanted.
Finally, one associate pointed out that there were some lovely crystal nut and fruit bowls on sale.  They were $25 each and $45 for the pair.  Arnie bought both and raced back towards the stadium
He presented his purchases to his uncle who then turned white.
"WHAT THE F*** DID YOU DO!  I OUGHT TO SMASH THIS OVER YOUR ....OH SHOOT, Roger has won...give me that!!!"
Levitt raced over and placed the two bowls on the table just as the presentation was about to start.  He started to sweat and if he had eaten anything for lunch, he was sure he would have crapped it by now.
Amazingly, the presentation went off without a hitch.  Levitt did notice the Walmart price sticker on the bottom of each trophy but was not worried as both players had an abundance of trophies not to notice.
Gobson was about to leave when his uncle called for him.  Expecting to be rewarded for his efforts, he was surprised when his uncle asked for his change.
Levitt smiled as his nephew handed over the money.  "Great. Next year we're going to Price Choppers!"

Andy Murray Goes Undercover As a Birthday Clown (Satire)

SATIRE — Between the long stretch of time between Wimbledon and the Roger's Cup, Andy Murray had the chance to work on his game.  More importantly, he had a mandatory meeting with his Public Relations management.
Riley "Smiley" Jenkins was Murray's contact.  He stood 5'2", weighed 297lbs, and was the jolliest man this side of Disneyland.
Jenkins was far too cheery for Andy Murray's liking but he tolerated him as he had to work with Jenkins in order to improve his Scottish dour image.
"Well, Andy, we need to lighten you up a bit.  You are much to frigid.  You don't seem comfortable in your own skin.  So, I thought you could be someone else for a day.  Here is your makeup bag and here are your clothes. ", he said.
"Hurry up and get dressed because you have a birthday party in just a half an hour." Jenkins roared.
Andy Murray looked at his gear.  "What is this stuff?"
Jenkins almost burst out of his skin.  "It's a clown outfit!!!  Now get ready because the kids are waiting."
Half an hour later, Andy Murray showed up to the birthday party wearing a "Bozo The Clown" outfit complete with a large red afro wig and four feet long inflated shoes.
Andy Murray (under his breath):  I don't f***ing believe I am doing this.
Mother of the Birthday child:  Oh good, the clown is here.  The kids are waiting for you in the back.  HEY KIDS, BOZO IS HERE!!!
A group of ten hyper eight year olds, rush over to Andy Murray knocking him over and pummeling him.
Andy Murray:  "Jes** Chr***!  Get OFF OF ME!
Birthday Boy:  Mommy! Mommy!  That clown just took the Lord's name in vain and he is a big meanie!
Mother:  Really!  I don't know who you think you are, you clown but you had better watch your mouth or I will roll your ten foot tongue out and wash it with soap!
Andy Murray:  Yes ma'am.
Mother: Now get in the back and entertain them.  They are expecting a magic show by the pool side.
Andy Murray gets set up for the magic show while the kids all gather and sit in front of him.  They have been drinking pop all day and can hardly sit still. They each have a basket of candy.  Andy takes far too long to get set for the show. 
Kid 1:  Come on you dufus! Hurry up and do some magic!
Kid 2:  Is he a real clown?  It doesn't look like he is smiling at all!
Kid 3:  Hey, make Jimmy the dork here disappear or change him into a frog so I can slip him down Janie Thompson's dress.
Andy the clown tries a lame trick in which the coin that he was trying to hide accidentally falls out of his trick sleeve. 
Birthday Kid: Bozo, YOU SUCK!!!
All the kids start shrieking the same thing and start to pelt Andy the clown with their available candy.  The sudden onslaught of candy hitting Andy sends him backwards causing him to fall into the pool.  His large inflatable feet were stubbornly refusing to sink into the wavy pool water. 
Birthday Kid:  HEY EVERYBODY!!!  CANDY IN THE POOL! EVERYONE CANNONBALL THE POOL AND GET THE CANDY!!
Andy was just getting to the surface of the water when a barrage of kids came flying at him.  Each cannonball threatened to keep him under.  He finally managed to get his water-filled over-size shoes out of the pool and layed on his back trying to cough up the excessive chlorine water.  The mother was standing over him with her hands on her hip.
Mother: Is this what you call entertaining?  You got clown makeup, your magic cards, pigeons and a rabbit floating around with the kids in my pool.  I hope you have a trick that makes all that disappear my friend or you will be cleaning this all up!
Before Andy could say anything, the birthday boy showed up with a large furry donkey's tail.
Birthday Boy:  HEY EVERYBODY! LET'S PLAY PIN THE TAIL ON THE DUFUS CLOWN!!
He then starts to jab and stab Andy in the rear with the large pointy pin end. 
Andy Murray:  AAHHH  F***!!!!  That hurts, you little Sh**!!!
Mother (Calls to her husband):  BUTCH!  Come here and throw this lousy, foul-mouthed, poor excuse of a clown out!
Just then Butch, a meaty 6'2 325lb monster shows up and drags Andy the clown out by his over-sized toes.  Less than an hour later, a physically wrecked Andy Murray shows up at Riley Jenkin's office.
He throws down the clown clothes and magic kit on Jenkin's desk. 
Andy Murray:  I have had it up to here with your PR bullsh**!  From now on, I play tennis, concentrate on tennis and nothing else.
I am going to be one bad-a** tennis player.  I am going to destroy my opponents and I will give the worst interviews ever.  Just shoot me if you ever see me smile!
Andy Murray walks out of the office and on his way to number two.