tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-39189514415960548212024-03-21T23:38:18.946-04:00The Mystic CynicComic sketches, Humour, Rants and anything else that tickles my brain.Roberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04279216314680083551noreply@blogger.comBlogger33125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918951441596054821.post-42804245606708264312012-11-04T20:46:00.000-05:002012-11-04T20:47:08.572-05:00Remembrance Day<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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While I accord the proper respect to the spirit of
Remembrance Day every year there are certain questions that I always ponder
when I hear the patriotic rhetoric that inevitably surfaces when this day
appears.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"We honour our heroes that sacrificed their lives to
defend our rights, way of life..."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>While I cannot dispute that our soldiers went overseas to fight and our
side incurred heavy casualties, they in all honesty were not serving to protect
our rights, way of life, etc. In both World War I and II, Canada
was not under attack from anyone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We may
have had a few remote skirmishes off our waters but our lands were not
threatened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our way of life, our
government, our day to day lives were not invaded by any opportune enemy
force.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Our reason for partaking in the First World War was a
microcosm of why the Great War started.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It was largely started because the various countries involved gave
blank-check assurances to their respective allies which polarized into two opposing
forces.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Canada
and the United States
sided with Great Britain
and her allies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our veterans from that
era went to war to honour that specific alliance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The conclusion of that war saw the Allies
suppress and humiliate the Germans so much that within twenty years, German
bitterness and resentment for being treated as such transformed into vengeance
that fueled a desire to overwhelm anything and everything in its path. </div>
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As bad and destructive as the Great War was, World War II
was even worse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The destruction of
lands and human life was at a level never seen before.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Again, Canadian troops went in to fulfill its
alliances to its commonwealth mother Great
Britain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Our war veterans sacrifices were very real but those sacrifices were
more as a defense for our allies over in Europe and not
for the inhabitants of our own country.</div>
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There are two things that strike me every Remembrance Day.
The first is this global day remains confined to exclusively national and
patriotic fervor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Each country takes
time to reflect on its own veterans with little pause to consider the
sacrifices of veterans in other countries.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Americans do little to pause for remembrance of Dieppe
much like Canadians give little pause for British fighting in North
Africa.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Secondly, very few
people give any reflection to the innocent civilians - men, women and children
who lost their lives throughout these destructive military conflicts. We strive
to recognize the agents of force (the soldiers) while conveniently forgetting
those murdered, raped, wounded or tortured through no fault of their own.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where is the day to remember their lives
stolen unmercifully from them? </div>
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It is within these contexts that we should observe
Remembrance day under a far more encompassing lens.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let Remembrance Day allow us to learn that
precious lesson of just how destructive and heartbreaking war was and can
be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let the day be more globally
remembered beyond our borders that war was an international and global tragedy
that affected hundreds of millions of people and not just our own
soldiers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Finally, let the day allow us
to move forward that we may never again relive those destructive ways in a
present or future tense.</div>
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<br /></div>
<br />Roberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04279216314680083551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918951441596054821.post-6170597004246062222011-04-16T23:33:00.000-04:002011-04-16T23:33:08.817-04:00The Northern Star<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hbAs22-Mso"><br />
</a><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><object width="320" height="266" class="BLOGGER-youtube-video" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0" data-thumbnail-src="http://2.gvt0.com/vi/_hbAs22-Mso/0.jpg"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/_hbAs22-Mso&fs=1&source=uds" /><param name="bgcolor" value="#FFFFFF" /><embed width="320" height="266" src="http://www.youtube.com/v/_hbAs22-Mso&fs=1&source=uds" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed></object></div><br />
When one looks to Youtube for Canadian artists writing on Canada, usually many parodies in rock, pop and other genres can be found. The only really serious Canadian anthem is O Canada. I thought I would add this one to the fray. It is fairly simple as I wanted the emphasis to be on the audio and not the video. <br />
<br />
I am sure someone else can come along and make an awesome video. Just let me know. My specialty is more for writing music and words. Roberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04279216314680083551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918951441596054821.post-43135610860100275812011-04-02T11:11:00.000-04:002011-04-02T11:11:00.387-04:00Charlie Sheen: My Fedy-Rafi Analysis (Satire)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Admin/BkFill/Default_image_group/2011/3/11/1299848077971/Charlie-Sheen-007.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="192" src="http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Admin/BkFill/Default_image_group/2011/3/11/1299848077971/Charlie-Sheen-007.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div>A great big hello to all of you out in Sheenland. My goddesses and I just watched last night's Feddy-Rafi match. It ended up with Rafi (winning!) shellacking Fedy <br />
I want to give you the Sheen on this matchup and the rivalry in general. Rafi has tiger blood. He also got a lot of help from me. I stared at the television screen and I willed him to win that second set. Fedy was all set to break Rafi in the first game of that second set but this warlock had something to say about it. A couple of sniffs, a wave of my bewitched hands and it was apocalypse now for Fedy. Hello, Fedy, loser!<br />
<br />
Now I want to clear up a few pointers on Rafi N. People say he is gracious and humble. That is pure adulturated bullsh*t!! He does not have a humble bone in his body. He believes, no, he KNOWS he is way better than Fedy. He's got tiger blood for crying out loud! Did he congratulate Fedy on a great game. DUH NO! He pointed out that Fedy was WEAK in the second set (thanks to you know who, DUH SHEEN!). He said Fedy made lots of errors. UH...Roger that!! Rafi is the greatest and how he really feels is that he (like me) dominates his field and will rightly point to the faults of those he conquers. Don't believe me? Check every time he beats the Fedy on clay. He says the same thing. "Roger made mistakes." I love a guy who wins and lets everyone know how weak the loser is. Humility is for losers and Rafi is not a loser. Duh! How many grand slams does he already have? He is a teenager with tiger blood. Okay, he is going to be 25 but I am an old teenager and I still party like it's 1985. Me and him, we're teens that will go on forever. WINNING!<br />
<br />
This Fedy guy should go back yodeling in the Austrian Alps where he came from. Give it up, man. Your warlock days are over and I will push Rafi or Jokie to beat you simply by using my sheen mind. <br />
Fedy is a LOSER. I mean, he lost what....already four games this season. COME ON! That is not....WINNING! So what if he beat Rafi last November. I cured it with my brain. Now it doesn't count.<br />
<br />
Nobody hits a seven gram rock like Rafi except me. That's how we roll. We don't need to feel sorry for those we conquer because we're WINNING. I want Rafi to come to my place and share this drug. It will make him even more of a warlock and it cannot be detected because of its supersonic tiger blood. The drug is called Charlie Sheen. I am the best at what I do and he is the best at what he does and IT IS ON.<br />
<br />
Is Rafi the greatest tennis rock star ever? DUH! He is really bitchin'. Anyone who challenges him will be up against him and me. BRING IT! Be prepared to lose and be humiliated. That's how we roll. Fedy who? Forgot who we were talking about. He must have gotten sheened. He wants my magic but I am too busy WINNING! He can't handle my power when I watch his match with Rafi. His perimeter has been breached. He can't ruffle the assassin's feathers because I have already defeated him with my words. <br />
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</div>Roberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04279216314680083551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918951441596054821.post-37393425203607915112011-03-08T20:23:00.000-05:002011-03-08T20:23:39.673-05:00Scientists Isolate "Sin" Gene: Religion Rendered Obsolete<div class="separator" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><!--[if !mso]> <style>
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<div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt;"><img height="320" src="file:///C:/DOCUME%7E1/Robert/LOCALS%7E1/Temp/msohtml1/01/clip_image002.jpg" width="320" /></span> </div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"></div><div style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;">Leading scientists at the University of Maryland have reportedly isolated the "sin" gene. "We've struggled with its whereabouts for years.", declared German professor Helmut Blaupunkt. "The only reason we have consistently located it is because of its tell-tale horns.", he revealed. "This means the end of murder, torture, fornication and other indecent human acts throughout the ages. Science be praised!", exclaimed Dr. Blaupunkt. </div><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Many scientists were ecstatic and called for the implementation of the removal of genes during the process of childbirth. Others were not sure and raised objections. Doctor Hellbent, a university professor at Stanton was one of those concerned. "Do the rest of us want to live out the rest of our lives, constantly being judged by this new race of Jesus and Mary clones? I mean there was enough trouble just to try and follow two and now there is going to be millions!", he shrugged. <br />
<br />
Scientists have confirmed over and over that there is no mistaking this "sin" gene. Once removed they have observed a gold halo form above the head of the subjects. Also noted was the subjects' speech pattern had changed considerably. Before isolation, modern English verbs were employed. However, after the isolation procedure, English verbs were changed to add a "eth" sound at the end of each one. Thus, verbs like "runneth", "sayeth," "jumpeth", "walketh" and "burpeth" were regularly incorporated into their speech patterns. <br />
<br />
The world religious leaders were resigned to the results and were tremendously dismayed. The Pope himself called for calm on this sober, dark day. "You no longer need our guidance. Go forth and sin no more which I know you will do. Before closing up shop, we will hold confessions for those wishing to hold on to their "sin" gene a bit longer."<br />
<br />
Another group seriously affected was the US bible belt. Statisticians immediately noticed that both crime and scandals immediately dipped once the effects of isolating the gene appeared within the said areas. Another noticeable effect was the intense raised level of IQ and literacy. Not only could everyone read, but their increase interest in diversity was extraordinary. Roberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04279216314680083551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918951441596054821.post-12627382299131436872010-11-05T20:44:00.001-04:002010-11-05T20:54:09.597-04:00The Rise of the Parti Quebecois 1976: The Party's OverOne of my friends from childhood, Terence Bowman has written a blog on the <a href="http://terencebowmanblog.blogspot.com/2010/11/october-crisis-six-year-olds.html?spref=fb">October Crisis</a> from the perspective of a six year old which is quite charming and familiar. I confess that at that age I had much less political awareness than Terence who was considered as the closest thing to an intellect in our age group. The only thing I can remember is that my parents were undecided of who to vote for and the Union National kept coming up as a possible alternative to the man with the Buddy Holly glasses.<br />
<br />
I remember feeling slightly sorry for Robert Bourassa for having to wear those glasses because my parents forced me to wear the same type. The only other thing I remember was Pierre Burton having a talk show which looked pretty intense and far too serious for me to be interested. Hey, put Pierre up against the Flintstones and I am going to choose the prehistoric cartoon every time.<br />
<br />
The real shock that waved through our little Anglo conclave happened six years after the October Crisis of 1970. Up until 1976 with the exception of some minor bumps, our Anglo community was a cut-off little island from French Quebec. We were the Hong Kong of Quebec.<br />
<br />
As Terence had pointed out, we did have a limited French program. While I recall "Chez Helen", I do remember those televisions in the classroom showing us programs from France. There was this woman who came on and said these phrases in French. She would repeat each phrase with a whisper and we would have to repeat it in unison during the "whisper". Our French lesson were never Quebecois but with Parisian accents. I kept my "Parisian" French until I got out to the workplace and adapted all the crude Quebec "joual".<br />
<br />
Anyhow, the separatist Parti-Quebecois came to power in November of 1976. The great migration of English headed down the 401 to Toronto and never looked back. Of the dozen or so friends that I had made on our block, only myself and one other family remained. I was devastated. I remember asking my father when we were moving but we stayed put. Eventually life went on and I made other friends. That was one true political event that affected our social lives and it started the slow process of further integration with the majority French population. <br />
<br />
Toronto natives always look at me incredulous when I fix them with a stare and declare in all seriousness that they should name one of their streets after Rene Levesque for giving them so much wealth, people and power by instigating that migration. Toronto supplanted Montreal as the largest city something which Montreal has never recovered from.Roberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04279216314680083551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918951441596054821.post-71857499191575092452010-10-22T22:48:00.002-04:002010-10-22T22:54:43.518-04:00The Fellowship Of Facebook<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.ashastd.org/images/facebook_logo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="120" src="http://www.ashastd.org/images/facebook_logo.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>I have often thought about this wonderful and terrifying tool we have in Facebook. Over thirty years ago, we would never have had the tools to keep track of so many people in our present and from our past.<br />
<br />
The incredible thing I find about Facebook is the amazing ability to snare "new" friends and ignore them all at the same time. The novelty of Facebook is very intense that everyone who gets hooked on it, invites every person that he or she ever knew. Catch up with old friends and ex-flames from the past and turn it all into one big reunion party.<br />
<br />
However, then you discover why so many of those "friends" were not great friends in the first place. Like running into an old acquaintance on a long bus ride, you eventually run out of conversation. Once the common talk and catching up is done, phase two kicks in. Phase two in Facebook is when you decide to go silent on many of your friends postings. You may decide that you have had enough but you don't want to be rude by outwardly "rejecting" the said person(s). Remember that person can see all your friends and can spread some pretty wild gossip in no time. <br />
<br />
So the act of ignoring swiftly enters the Facebook arena. It is one of the great passive aggressive features that Facebook has. "I have Jane Doe as a friend but she has all these stupid applications that I hate and her posts are so dumb. I don't want to rock the boat, so I will put her news items on "hide" so I can get this skank out of my life."<br />
<br />
"Jane Doe" does not know any better and goes on ranting and raving and attributing your quietness to...well.. your quiet side. Of course if she inquires to your new found inactive state, you can always say the lie that everyone gives and believe me, everyone has said this - "I am not on Facebook that much anymore." <br />
<br />
Dare I say that you learn stuff about your family that maybe you would rather not know. Personal postings that are not intended for family viewing come to mind. How about finding out that someone in your family has Paris Hilton as a role model? Quick, the "hide" button, THE HIDE BUTTON!!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>Facebook does allow us to keep track of those important people in our lives that may have moved to other places. For those close friendships that may have diminished over years of losing touch, it is an invaluable tool that allows to stay in touch in an inexpensive fashion. So let my "Friends" list grow astronomically with people who really care as little about my life as I do with theirs. I can put them in "Limited Friends" and remain the quiet one. Come to think of it, I do have some quiet friends out there....hmmmm. Next week, we will learn all about the "BLOCK" button otherwise known as the Facebook restraining order.Roberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04279216314680083551noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918951441596054821.post-70276682076335272492010-09-27T21:11:00.001-04:002010-09-27T21:32:57.653-04:00A United Nations AddressLooking at my stats, I have seen that I have an international albeit a small audience. So on my little podium known as my desktop computer, let me address my supporters all around the world before they get back to that world and conveniently forget who and what I am about. (Too late)<br />
<br />
I see the majority of my viewers come from Canada. That is nice to see because one thing we really appreciate in Canada are our own bright stars who flee down to the United States to make it big. Then, we proudly make them our own. If we had not done this, Superman would be fighting for "Truth, Justice and the Canadian Way". Yes, Superman flew down to New York or um...Metropolis where he made it big, leaving us with ....Captain Canuck. Yikes!<br />
<br />
I did not get much support in the Middle East with my site so far. I guess I did not write "death to Americans" enough throughout my blog although with that phrase in this one sentence, I should be able to get one viewer from Syria.<br />
<br />
Speaking of Americans, they represent my second largest fan following. Still no talent scout from L.A. banging down my door with a mega dollar contract in his hand for signing. Nah, in order to do that, I have to have a gory, blood-soaked, graphic blog equivalent to something like Maury Povich and some surprise cross-cultural and maybe cross-species paternity tests. What point was I trying to make again? Oh yeah, welcome America!<br />
<br />
Checking in at number three is beautiful exotic India. I was thinking that if there was a way to cyber hook up with every "Kwiki-mart" between here and New Jersey, I would reach at least a tenth of India's one billion people. Mind you, most of them probably would not understand a word that I would have to say unless I quoted something basic out of "Hindi For Dummies". By the way, I have found a way to get my annoying cloying cat out of my studio room. If he hangs around an annoys me, I put on a Bollywood film and he gets the message real quick. Thank you, India!<br />
<br />
There are five supporters in Singapore and I personally know one of them. What a viral explosion! However, I have to keep it clean on here because Singapore is an extremely clean country and there are heavy fines for people who read smut or smut-like topics and that includes swearing. Fudge!<br />
<br />
Checking in next is the enigmatic country that does not know what to call itself. If you ask any Londoner where they are from you could get at least four different answers. "England, Great Britain, the United Kingdom. Britain or even the UK". Whatever the case, they do have a more sense of modesty here than in America. If you ask an American where he lives he is more likely to respond - "on the greatest f***ing country on the planet!!". Sadly, Britain has been on a steep decline. First, the sun did set on the British Empire, the Beatles broke up and we are left with ... Susan Boyle. Oh and Charles is next in line to be king with his wife Camilla. Ta Ta!<br />
<br />
Rounding out the bottom of the list are some former Soviet republics - Russia, Hungary and the Czech Republic. When Ronald Reagan and his advisers toured the Kremlin, they got to see Gorbachev's luxury accommodations. Reagan who was already past seventy stood up to Gorby and said "Mr. Gorbachev. tear down this wall!" Gorbachev responded "NYET!" Reagan was not to be denied. "TEAR DOWN THIS WALL!" "NYET!" came the answer. It was tense. World War III was imminent. Finally, a nervous Soviet adviser whispered to his American counterpart. "He thinks you want to tear down his bedroom wall." After the adviser relayed the info to Reagan, he declared, "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down the Berlin Wall." Gorbachev agreed and the two men hugged signalling the end of the Cold War. They then spent the rest of the afternoon testing out the bounciness of Mr. Gorbachev's luxury bed. Welcome back to Capitalism!<br />
<br />
That concludes my address. If your country is not mentioned here, send me a note and I will be more than happy to mock it...umm as nicely as I can of course. I'm Canadian, I will be gentle to keep the peace.Roberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04279216314680083551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918951441596054821.post-23273930799088556792010-09-25T09:25:00.000-04:002010-09-25T13:57:46.052-04:00Roger Federer, Rafa Nadal, and Andy Murray: The Three Baseliners Live in Concert<div style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1iaK9nrBFeW0kuMk9rRwHDV66zBItGgfyE-Vowyb4WnmL5EPTOe2Vi7axhi-vsrborpr-f86yKFnzihwhjdRwxnzHsEoyxuz7aq4J2dB7yjliF1gWRfF_6WaH4hWxXTGlqI1yqus0dSPG/s1600/The+Three+Baseliners.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="270" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1iaK9nrBFeW0kuMk9rRwHDV66zBItGgfyE-Vowyb4WnmL5EPTOe2Vi7axhi-vsrborpr-f86yKFnzihwhjdRwxnzHsEoyxuz7aq4J2dB7yjliF1gWRfF_6WaH4hWxXTGlqI1yqus0dSPG/s320/The+Three+Baseliners.jpg" width="320" /></a></div></div><br />
<br />
SATIRE — Hey middle-agers and seniors!<br />
Are you longing to the glory days of tennis?<br />
Can't keep up with the new and upcoming faces of the racket sport?<br />
Do you remember the days when tennis was about hitting the ball to the other side of the court and not worrying about top-spin, racket technology, or which banana or power drink was needed for replenishment on the change-over?<br />
Do you hate having to watch players towel off after every single point?<br />
Well, have we got news for you. Ronco, in association with Hack Productions, brings you...<br />
<br />
<span style="text-decoration: underline;"><b>The Three Baseliners In Concert</b></span><br />
<i>Roger Federer, Rafael Nadal, and Andy Murray sing the praises of the older generation of tennis players. They sing their hearts, hearkening to the days when men's tennis shorts were...well...just short! Here they are singing that classic song:</i><br />
<br />
<b>Johnny Mac <i>(</i></b><i>Sung to the tune Jimmy Mac)</i><br />
Johnny, Johnny, oh Johnny Mac when are you coming back<br />
Johnny, Johnny, Oh Johnny Mac when are you coming back.<br />
My arms are tired blue, no one hits the ball like you<br />
I am going to lose the set when you charge to the net!<br />
Johnny, Johnny, oh Johnny Mac when are you coming back<br />
Johnny, Johnny, Oh Johnny Mac when are you coming back.<br />
<br />
<i>Yes, when the Three Baseliners get singing you'll be wishing for chippin and charging. Here they are singing about another baseliner Ivan Lendl tribute:</i><br />
<br />
<b>Robot Man</b> <i>(Sung to the tune Nowhere Man)</i><br />
He's a real robot man.<br />
Hitting all his wild forehands<br />
Doesn't give a chance to win for nobody.<br />
Never sad and never jolly<br />
Doesn't know the serve and volley<br />
Making all his Wimbledon plans for nobody.<br />
<br />
<i>Order now and get a five-setter of walloping hits sung by the best movers and shakers around! The Three Baseliners drive home their points so well there is no return service. Here they are grinding it out in a daring but glowing tribute to Bjorn Borg:</i><br />
<br />
<b>I'm a Borg </b><i>(Sung to the tune "Bitch")</i><br />
I'm a Borg, I'm a stroker<br />
I am stern not a joker, there is nothing I can't do<br />
I send right across to you<br />
I'm a God, I am Thor<br />
I am better than before<br />
I can hit down the line<br />
Wimbledon will be mine<br />
You know I couldn't have it any other way.<br />
<br />
<i>Purchase this package now and we will send you a free Rafael Nadal/Roger Federer duet performance. Watch and admire their unswerving dedication and passion as they sing:</i><br />
<br />
<b>To All The Players I Beat Before</b> <i>(sung to "To All The Girls I Have Loved Before)</i><br />
Nadal: To all di players I beat before<br />
Federer: We bagled their asses out the door.<br />
Nadal: I know it may be wrong.<br />
Federer: But we enjoyed it all along<br />
Both: To all the players we beat before.<br />
<br />
<i>Call our operators now and mention the code "Tim Ruffin's a hack" and we will give you the entire collection for the low, low price of $49.99USD (that is 249 pounds if you are a Murray fan). Our operators are standing by hoping to get your credit card. </i><br />
<i>Soon you'll be hearing "The Three Baseliners" crooning it out for a glowing Rod Laver tribute:</i><br />
<br />
<b>Tie Me Tennis Shoes Up, Mate</b> <i>(Sung to the tune Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport)</i><br />
Tie me tennis shoes up, mate.<br />
Tie me tennis shoes up.<br />
I've been falling all over the place<br />
Tie me tennis shoes up.<br />
<br />
<i>You'll get these and other great songs like the Andre Agassi-inspired "Crystal Meth Persuasion" and the Tipsarevic-inspired "I wear my sunglasses on court."</i><br />
<i>Call and order now and we'll even send you the crappy wooden racket that Bjorn Borg won his first tournament with. Our operators are standing by!</i>Roberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04279216314680083551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918951441596054821.post-86080616782343861122010-09-24T10:39:00.001-04:002010-09-24T20:46:39.984-04:00My Brother And I<div class="mbl notesBlogText clearfix"><div>I was nine and my brother was turning seven. Our parents brought us to the zoo. We had the notion that if we bugged them enough we could get them to take one of the animals back home with us. Lions, tigers, chimps, kangaroos, koala bears, coyotes...we hounded them endlessly for them all.<br />
By the time we reached the zoo gift shop. the idea of each getting a stuffed animal was much more easy to accept by our parents in light of the constant animal demands we had made earlier. I got a zebra and my brother got a tall giraffe. On the long car ride home, my brother and I played with our own newly acquired animals. My brother was proud of his long-necked giraffe which took up a lot of space in the car. He took every opportunity to wave it around saying it was better than my zebra.<br />
He started picking on my zebra. That giraffe became the boss of space and things in our car ride and there was nowhere that my zebra could hide. Regular attacks coupled with my brother's taunts that his giraffe was king put me in a deep state of misery. My father decided that before we got home, that we would go through the car wash. As the car went on the assembly line to be washed by the heavy clunking machinery, I leaned over to my brother and told him that his giraffe's head was stinky and that he needed to be clean. My brother looked out the window, saw the spritzing and flying soap everywhere and decided to give his giraffe an instant shower.<br />
Without warning he lowered the window and poked his giraffe's head out into the car wash chaos. The giraffe's body convulsed and my brother instinctively held on to it. A storm of soap and water entered our back seat of the car and all hell broke loose. My parents yelled, I was getting soaked and yelling, my brother was yelling trying to save his endangered giraffe.<br />
My father put it in gear and sped through the car wash. The car came out of the car wash covered in soap because we skipped the rinse and dry cycle during all of the chaos. However, the real drama unfolded when my brother finally got his giraffe back in the car. THE HEAD WAS GONE. He shrieked in a mixed form of terror and sadness while I laughed my ass off. The harder he cried, the harder I laughed. My zebra suddenly became the prominent stuffed animal in the car as I proudly waved it everywhere while my brother continued to mourn over his headless animal. My parents drove on in the front with a wish to get home and a sense of disbelief from what had just transpired. My brother tried to convince them to go back and get the head. Out of the question. The mere thought that my father would have to go through a middle of a car wash, find a soaking mess of a giraffe's head just to bring it home and have to figure out how to sew it back on was too much. My parents did the only thing they could do. They arranged a small stuffed animal funeral and buried the headless giraffe out in the back yard. I am sure that many years later when new people moved in and started to dig up the earth for a garden and came across a headless but buried stuffed giraffe, the house would probably go up for sale soon after. </div></div>Roberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04279216314680083551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918951441596054821.post-22894203913484082112010-09-22T20:55:00.000-04:002010-09-22T20:59:14.836-04:00The State Of Hamilton ComedyWatching my half-brother Mike Vecchione on "Last Comic Standing" had re-awoken the impressionist comic in me. I had been working on a few impressions in the last few years but was never building towards anything like a comedy set. While I respect all of what my demi-brother has accomplished (he was recently on Jay Leno), I profess that we do not share comedy styles which is a huge relief to me. Last thing I want to do is to be a carbon copy of a comic unless I can mimic him to a fault.<br />
<br />
I have spent the last month or so honing my material and getting up the nerve to get on stage and test my comedy chops. I have done that at two places in Hamilton. First is at Hooters Hamilton. I kind of had a difficult time explaining to my wife that there really was a comedy night every Tuesday. I was half-expecting a "Yeah, right. You are doing comedy. Sure you are." But she was okay with it and so I went. The host there is Donny Coy. Mr. Coy is like the guru MC there. Donny is an expert at weaving current going-ons in the place right into his act. He is there as a beacon to new and upcoming comics. He will be the first to congratulate you on your successful set or relegate you to what he calls the "B" list. One of his favourite comedians is Manolis Zantanos (that's Greek not Mexican, folks).<br />
<br />
First time I saw Manolis, I thought "holy crap, Hollywood got it wrong. Here is the guy who should be playing Captain Kirk" As far as I know, he does not do a Captain Kirk impression but he has the physique and the look and I bet he could do a Kirk without it looking like a parody. For a guy who has the appearance of looking lost in direction, Manolis is more than accomplished. He is also very affable (WTF is that, he would say) and has certain down to earth qualities. Manolis likes to hang out at Hooters and also frequents the Staircase Theatre on Thursdays.<br />
<br />
The Staircase Theatre is an old seemingly run down mansion with a ...you guessed it ...a staircase. One of the rising comics there is fifteen year old Mayce Galoni. I can almost hear every comic whisper under his/her own breath as he takes the stage - "F***, he is only fifteen!!!" To have someone who is thirty years younger doing the same thing you are and doing it quite well, is very ego challenging. On this particular night, he brought his sister. He left her at the table to do his act. In the middle of his act, he mentions that his sister is gay. HE OUTS HIS SISTER IN PUBLIC!!. I am looking back to her and then back to him as he continues through it. No reaction from her. Wow. He must have prepped her for this. Only later, I figured out that he had a second sister and I now realize why she wasn't there.<br />
<br />
You cannot read or see any comedy in Hamilton without running into the name Patrick Coppolino. His act is completely raunchy and not for the faint hearted. Then he metamorphoses into a completely shy and inward guy. Kind of a bit creepy but then I realize that he could see me as a much older and bigger creep. If Patrick is the introverted comic then Cliff Myers has to be the ultimate extrovert. Cliff is a big man and uses his size as a comical weapon in his act. He is comfortable in improv which I have found funnier than his prepared stuff. Watch what you say about him because he comes across as vengeful so uh....Nice Cliff...nice Cliff.<br />
<br />
I have learned a few things about the Hamilton comedy club scene. Like all things, you have to be a hustler to get gigs and network to the extreme. You also have to bring at least two people to Hamilton Yuk Yuk's if you want to perform there (A-holes!). I've learned that crowds suck in humour that I particularly don't find funny. They love it when a comic can acknowledge in a good-nature way that their jokes did not go over well or that they sucked. I have also seen that even in the bowels of Hamilton, there are young comics with stars in their eyes, hoping that some talent scout will somehow get lost and stop by Hooters for a drink. Or maybe some well known comic will stop by and take notice of the new talent and set them up with important contacts. As improbable as the talent scout scenario is, I have seen the somewhat celebrity comic show up, finish his act and spend the rest of the evening at the bar while the "B team" got their chance. <br />
<br />
Finally, I learned that although I like to do impressions, my comedy power lies more in my written words. I really enjoyed setting up my jokes in written fashion but well...my delivery sucked. In the end, my nerves did not help. I had some fun, met a few acquaintances but am going back to what I do best which is writing. I think I will leave the stand-up to my 1/2 bro even if I am the funnier one.Roberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04279216314680083551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918951441596054821.post-87270560798042937692010-09-21T21:25:00.000-04:002010-09-21T21:55:24.353-04:00The Coming Of Jesus: 2000 Years and Counting.In roughly twenty-three years from now, we will be marking the two thousandth year that Jesus was crucified upon the cross in Jerusalem. Christians are mostly of two minds when considering this fact. A good portion of the charismatic (ie crazy ones) ones all clamor and start talking about the time for Armageddon and the second coming. The second group of more moderate Christians like to revel in the fact that their religion is so old.<br /><br />Let's liken Jesus to a friend of yours. He takes you to a local pharmacy, keeps the car running and says "I'll be back". You wait there and wait and wait some more. Finally, the car eventually runs out of gas and it's cold outside. At some point, you are going to mutter to yourself - "F*** it, he's not coming back." Except in this harsh reality, it has not been a few hours, or a day or a week or a year. It has been two thousand years! How much longer do you need before you finally face the fact?<br /><br />Don't even think about complaining to your Jewish neighbor about this. It is not just because he doesn't want to hear about Jesus. He's been waiting a whole lot longer for his own Messiah. It's been closer to four thousand years for him. Jesus did not make the cut for him and Jesus was Jewish. <br /><br />Come on. You cannot blame human beings for being skeptics after two thousand years. Why the long wait? There must be something better going on in the universe out there for Jesus not to have shown up by now. If he ascended to heaven and heaven is a billion light years away, we might still be able to get a good look at him out in the cosmos with one of our high powered telescopes. Anyhow, for now the wait is still on.Roberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04279216314680083551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918951441596054821.post-60120877917664564092010-09-19T09:44:00.000-04:002010-09-25T13:26:38.567-04:00Binge 2010: The Mardy Fish, Andy Roddick, Novak Djokovic Dinner (Satire)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/images/photos/001/031/259/82279203_crop_340x234.jpg?1284916241" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="220" src="http://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/images/photos/001/031/259/82279203_crop_340x234.jpg?1284916241" width="320" /></a></div>SATIRE — <i>Somewhere in New York on the upper west side, they got together for their secret dinner. They were excited. It was the anticipation of the event plus the fact that none of their respective coaching staff knew. <span class="spellcheck">Mardy</span>, Andy and <span class="spellcheck">Novak</span> sat down, each neatly and formally dressed. Their table was on the second story with a multitude of customers just below them. </i><br />
<i>It was a suave French restaurant which boasted two stories of fine atmosphere and dining. There were loyal patrons on both floors soaking up the elegant ambiance and quite ambivalent to its exorbitant pricing. </i><br />
<b><span class="spellcheck">Djokovic</span></b>: You having something from the seafood section, Fish?<br />
<b>Fish:</b> Very funny, Joker. Gawd, you should have been in stand-up. Your jokes, your impressions and the way you look when a shot does not go your way....<br />
<b>Roddick</b>: Come on, ladies. Let's get down to why we are really here. Let's get this five course sucker started with an appetizer. Waiter!<br />
<b>Waiter:</b> (In a French accent) Good evening, Monsieurs. May I take your <span class="spellcheck">ordeur</span>.<br />
<b>Roddick:</b> Yeah, I am going to have five cheeseburgers, onion rings, a <span class="spellcheck">slurpee</span>....<br />
<b><span class="spellcheck">Djokovic</span>:</b> Hold on there B-Rod...<br />
<b>Roddick:</b> It's A-ROD....A...like the first letter in the alphabet or is that not the first in the Serbian one..what is it...Alpha? Call me Alpha Rod...<br />
<b><span class="spellcheck">Djokovic</span>:</b> Look, you cannot go ordering American fast food in a French restaurant. (To the waiter) Monsieur est-ce <span class="spellcheck">que</span> <span class="spellcheck">vous</span> <span class="spellcheck">pouvez</span> porter <span class="spellcheck">les</span> escargot pour tout <span class="spellcheck">le</span> <span class="spellcheck">monde</span> <span class="spellcheck">avec</span> <span class="spellcheck">un</span> belle <span class="spellcheck">bouteille</span> <span class="spellcheck">du</span> <span class="spellcheck">vin</span>?<br />
<b>Waiter:</b> <span class="spellcheck">Bien</span> <span class="spellcheck">sur</span>, Monsieur. <span class="spellcheck">Je</span> <span class="spellcheck">reviens</span>.<br />
<b>Fish:</b> What the hell was that all about?<br />
<b><span class="spellcheck">Djokovic</span>:</b> I just ordered the appetizers and a nice bottle of wine.<br />
<b>Fish:</b> Awesome dude. I don't care what kind of crap they make here as long as they cook the red meat medium rare that is all I care about.<br />
<b>Roddick:</b> Hey Fish you did quite well out there before the US Open. Joker, you did well from the start of the US Open.<br />
<b>Fish:</b> And you did well at neither events.<br />
<b>Roddick:</b> Get off of my back, Fish. Do you realize that each of us has beaten Roger Federer. How many people can boast about that?<br />
<b><span class="spellcheck">Djokovic</span>:</b> Um... Nadal, <span class="spellcheck">Berdych</span>, <span class="spellcheck">Baghdatis</span>, Murray...<br />
<b>Roddick: </b> You know what <span class="spellcheck">Djoker</span>, just shut up. Okay. Shut up. Aren't you supposed to be somewhere else finding a new ailment in case you have to retire?<br />
<b>Fish:</b> Hey guys. We are here to binge. Cut the crap, here comes the waiter.<br />
<i>The waiter serves them with freshly baked escargot swimming in a delicious garlic sauce. The three men devour the appetizer. </i><br />
<b>Fish:</b> That was great. What the hell was that?<br />
<b><span class="spellcheck">Djokovic</span>:</b> In the interest of everyone involved, I will tell you later on in the evening. I went ahead and <span class="spellcheck">pre</span>-ordered the main course and you guys are going to love it. This place serves the best Beef <span class="spellcheck">Bourguignon</span> ever. They are going to bring it out and leave the pot in the middle of our table.<br />
<b>Roddick:</b> An all you can eat beef buffet? That is awesome!!!<br />
<b>Fish:</b> Truly excellent!!<br />
<i>Five minutes later, the waiter brings out a huge pot of Beef <span class="spellcheck">Bourguignon</span> and places it at the middle of the table. He gives each athlete a healthy portion of buttery smooth mashed potatoes. The men eat at a ravishing pace and in only slow down about 45 minutes later. Finally, all of them pull to a slow stop and each one is holding their belly. </i><br />
<b>Fish: </b> Oh my stomach! I used to be able to put this away with no problem but I am not sure I am going to keep this down.<br />
<b>Roddick: </b> Me too. This stuff really weighs you down. It came down with a vengeance and my stomach has a little bounce.<br />
<b><span class="spellcheck">Djokovic</span>:</b> I guess this is as good as any time to tell you that the appetizers that you ate were really snails swimming in garlic.<br />
<i>That revelation was the last straw for <span class="spellcheck">Mardy</span> Fish. He stood up but his newly grown belly caught the end of the table hurling its contents over to the unsuspecting patrons eating below. Large amounts of Beef <span class="spellcheck">Bourguignon</span> splattered all over the floors, tables and people's faces. </i><br />
<i>The large heavy pot landed square on top of an obese bald man who was eating a Waldorf salad. He ate a piece of the beef before realizing what happened. "Not bad" was all he said before conking out of consciousness and falling to the floor. His nagging wife got up and looked at him. </i><br />
<b>Nagging Wife:</b> You see, I told you red meat was bad for you but oh no does he listen...<br />
<i>High above the wavering chaos, the three men watched in horror the calamity that their fallen food had caused. Watching at the rail, Roddick was the first to hurl downwards adding his own contents to the swirling pandemic below. </i><br />
<i>Fish, not to be outdone, followed suit. <span class="spellcheck">Djokovic</span> who did not feel sick, felt compelled to vomit to keep the bond of friendship between them intact. Meanwhile, the first floor patrons slipped and slithered to the exits adding their own regurgitation to the growing sloth. </i><br />
<i>After all the accounts were settled with the restaurant, the three went out the back exit and stood on the street waiting for their rides. </i><br />
<b>Fish:</b> Well, we will have to do this again sometimes.<br />
<b>Roddick: </b> Yeah but not here though.<br />
<b><span class="spellcheck">Djokovic</span>:</b> With all the money we threw at this restaurant, I still do not think they will have us back.<br />
<b>Roddick:</b> Strange as this may seems, I am hungry again. Anyone for <span class="spellcheck">Skyburgers</span>?<br />
<b>Fish:</b> I am in.<br />
<b><span class="spellcheck">Djokovic</span>:</b> Me too. But this time I think we will do take out and maybe eat in the limo.<br />
<b>Roddick:</b> I am with you on that one. Let's go.<br />
<br />
END OF BINGE IRoberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04279216314680083551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918951441596054821.post-50169636713727788652010-09-18T09:54:00.000-04:002010-09-25T13:26:09.639-04:002010 US Open: Venus Williams vs Francesca Schiavone (The Transcript)<div class="separator" style="background-color: cyan; clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="220" src="http://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/images/photos/001/030/813/103901015_crop_340x234.jpg?1284844007" style="background-color: white;" width="320" /><span style="background-color: white;"></span><span style="background-color: white;"></span></div><br />
SATIRE — One of the most compelling and dramatic matches at the US Open this year was the Williams-Schiavone match. It is now available in fine print for all to enjoy. Upon special request, it can even be ordered in braille for the hearing impaired.<br />
<br />
First Set Highlights<br />
<b>Williams</b>: Aargh!<br />
<b>Schiavone: </b> Aw hee!<br />
<b>Williams:</b> Aargh!<br />
<b>Schiavone:</b> Aw hee!<br />
<br />
Second Set Highlights<br />
<b>Schiavone:</b> AW HEE!<br />
<b>Williams:</b> AARGH!<br />
<b>Schiavone:</b> AW HEE!<br />
Commentator: That is great tennis. The crowd is even into it. They are helping either player by softly chanting AARGH or AW HEE when that particular player is about to hit the ball.<br />
In a completely unrelated incident, a 47-year-old man staying at a seedy hotel in the Bronx, phoned the police when he kept hearing his neighbor's television up to loud. He described what he thought was a Nadal-Sharapova tennis match.<br />
<b>Raphael Nadal:</b><br />
<div class="article-video"></div>UNGHHHH! <b>Maria Sharapova:</b> APPOOO!<br />
<b>Rafael Nadal:</b> UNGHHHHH!<br />
<b>Maria Sharapova:</b> APPOOO!<br />
The neighbor continued to notice that the tennis shots must have gotten faster because each player was picking up speed and volume. Strangely, it all seemed to subside with a large UNGGGHHHAPPPOOOOOOOO!<br />
The police arrived and all were completely surprised that the real Rafael Nadal and Maria Sharapova came out of the room holding lit cigarettes. Upon going their separate ways Sharapova gave a Nadal a little smack on the rear and cooed a small "appooo."<br />
No charges were laid.<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTmCmGFv-nw&feature=player_embedded"> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTmCmGFv-nw&feature=player_embedded</a>Roberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04279216314680083551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918951441596054821.post-47986459723407143072010-09-14T13:34:00.000-04:002010-09-25T13:35:08.549-04:00A Dennis Miller Rant On The Current State Of Tennis At Bleacher's ReportHello Tennis Boobies, <br />
Your articles have been coming out like “Ellen” with her big announcement from her sitcom. It has been slow, painful to watch, and the climax was like …”oh it’s a gay thing.”<br />
Now, I don’t want to get off on a rant here people, but do you call yourselves writers? I’ve seen better writing on a grimy inside of the men’s’ bathroom stall. At least that takes my mind of the minor constipation caused by the one too many cheese nachos from Taco Bell. Bad news is that I got to get out before 2:30 rolls around.<br />
You people at Bleacher Report carry on like you actually know these tennis players. Have you ever actually talked to these people outside their sport? Ever talked to Roger Federer on an escalator to a three-story department store? No, because he doesn’t go there and if he did, you would be stammering there in front of him like Forrest Gump trying to figure out which chocolate is giving him the hives.<br />
The people I like most about B/R are the plagiarists. If you don’t know what plagiarism is, look it up on someone’s article and then copy and paste it on your own. Might as well also do the same with “originality” and cap it off with that great word “irony.”<br />
As we speak, there are at least three articles up that are stating that Roger Federer’s career is over. Did you guys get together for a sleepover before deciding that all of you were going to spew the same pajama party sh*t? Were you keeping an air tight alibi for each other?<br />
<img src="http://www.tennishound.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-o-matic/cache/03579_pixel.gif" /> <br />
Then we have the Rafa haters, the Roger haters, the Novak lovers. These articles are like a mixed party snack gone bad. You never know which one of them is going to make you vomit before it’s too late.<br />
How about those classy, stylish people who call themselves the Brits? I tip my hat off to you, wave my bowl of strawberries at you, smile before I curtly declare:<br />
Get the f*ck off of Murray’s back already, you vulturous snobby geeks from Coronation Street. “Oh Dear, Murray has disappointed us again.” If you showed him half the support you have for lower life animal forms, you might want to have a “jolly old chap” victory celebration when he reaches the fourth round. Then, maybe, then he will play freely without the weighted burden of British fanny fans on his shoulders.<br />
Here’s a revelation for all you soft hearts out there who feel for these athletes when they lose. You know what, SOMEONE has to lose. These athletes get paid a lot of money win or lose. <br />
My heart goes out to Novak Djokovic for his loss against Rafael Nadal. Because $200,000 is not enough to assuage his ego, he needs my sympathy to boot. Poor Roger Federer lost and collected a mere $150,000 and probably the bonus for maybe winning the US Open series. God, I feel so bad for him. <br />
Lastly, I know I am going to get the comments from the various imbeciles out there not brainy enough to read HUMOR (or HUMOUR if you are Canadian). If you don’t understand the tone, google Dennis Miller and look up “rant.” “Oh I didn’t like his rant, it was too angry!”<br />
Support your fellow female writers on this site before you click on the soft porn links. Of course, that is just my opinion and I could be wrong.Roberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04279216314680083551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918951441596054821.post-80234245759728308312010-09-12T10:14:00.000-04:002010-09-25T13:25:33.436-04:00U.S. Open 2010: Roger Federer in 'The Bourne Descendancy'<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/images/photos/001/026/389/104009594_crop_340x234.jpg?1284302571" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="220" src="http://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/images/photos/001/026/389/104009594_crop_340x234.jpg?1284302571" width="320" /></a></div><br />
SATIRE — Jason Bourne was on the run....again. Momentarily, he forgot where he was. After all, he had been running away from the authorities from all over the world. As he sprinted on, he began to search his mind. Was it Rome, Moscow, London, Nairobi, Cedar Rapids, IA.....Cedar Rapids??<br />
He remembered now. He pilfered two ears of corn from a farmer's field. Unfortunately, the farmer had his four acres of corn under video surveillance and called the local authorities. Now two police cars were in hot pursuit of the ever-sprinting-ahead Bourne.<br />
They surrounded him. He stood with his hands in the air as the three police officers approached him. In one swift move he karate chopped, kicked and subdued the officers instantaneously. However, in his "too quick for the eye" movements, he also elbowed himself in the back of the head, knocking himself out cold.<br />
He woke up on a small town Iowa prison cell. He was strapped tightly to his chair which was bolted to the floor. A huge obese man garbed in a local authority uniform with an over-sized belt holding up a gun and a baton.<br />
<b>Deputy</b>: I am Deputy Amos E. Anderson. You are going to talk to me and start by stating your name and where your from.<br />
<b>Bourne:</b> I got nothing to say to you.<br />
<br />
<b>Deputy:</b> Then let the torture begin. Fellas come in here.<br />
<i>The fellow officers come in and the deputy leaves the room. They work Bourne over for two and a half hours. His face is littered with bruises, black eyes and puffed out lips. He is coughing out blood when the deputy walks back in. </i><br />
<b>Deputy: </b>Well now. You got something to say, now's the time to say it.<br />
<b>Bourne:</b> You won't get anything out of me. I am the best at what I do.<br />
<b>Deputy:</b> Oh and what is that?<br />
<b>Bourne:</b> If I told you, I wouldn't be the best. Let's just say that I am a <a href="http://bleacherreport.com/roger-federer">Roger Federer</a> at what I do.<br />
<b>Deputy:</b> Roger Federer, huh? You like him?<br />
<b>Bourne:</b> He is the best. No questions about it.<br />
<b>Deputy:</b> In that case, Mr. Mystery man. We have a treat for you. Hank, bring that DVD machine with the projector in here. Bring the Roger Federer loop film in here as well.<br />
<i>As they set the DVD projector up, the deputy had a wry grin on his face. Bourne continued to look out ahead, ready for more physical torture. </i><br />
<br />
<b>Deputy:</b> Face him toward the projecting wall and make sure he is tightly bound that he cannot look away. Oh and make sure those metal clamps forcing his eyes open are on tight.<br />
<b>Deputy:</b> May I present the Federer-Djokovic match already in progress. The score is presently 5-4 for Roger Federer and he has two match points. Oh and just in case you missed it, this part has been looped over again and again.<br />
The highlight reels plays over and over again. Bourne starts to breathe in quick paces. His veins bulge and bulge. He starts to shake convulsively. After the second loop starts, he looks about to explode.<br />
<b>Bourne:</b> ARGGH. Okay, Okay I will talk. My name is Jason Bourne and I took those corn. I'll do whatever you want. Just stop the DVD....just stop it!!!!!"<br />
<b>Deputy: </b> Ok, Hank. That'll do. Mr. Bourne that will be $4025.<br />
<b>Bourne: </b>$4025? It was two ears of corn I took!<br />
<b>Deputy:</b> Well, that is $25 for both ears of corn, $2000 for the officers you took down, $1500 for my time spent interrogating you and $500 for the DVD rental equipment. <br />
<b>Bourne:</b> This is outrageous! <br />
<br />
<b>Deputy:</b> Hank, run that footage again and program it to stop tomorrow morning.<br />
<b>Bourne:</b> Okay, Okay! I will pay it. I'll pay the $4025.<br />
<b>Deputy:</b> You mean $6025.<br />
<b>Bourne:</b> What ...um I mean yes I will pay it. Just let me out of here.<br />
<i>Bourne pays the fee and sets off on the lonely Iowa road.</i><br />
<b>Deputy: </b> Hank, keep that DVD guarded safely. It's a real Iowa cash cow. <br />
The officers giggle amongst themselves and head out to their local donut shop.Roberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04279216314680083551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918951441596054821.post-11630709947273082952010-09-04T10:17:00.000-04:002010-09-25T13:24:55.759-04:00Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal Secret Agreement To Trade Clothes (Humor)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/images/photos/001/021/269/103832000_crop_340x234.jpg?1283649327" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="220" src="http://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/images/photos/001/021/269/103832000_crop_340x234.jpg?1283649327" width="320" /></a></div><br />
SATIRE — <a href="http://bleacherreport.com/roger-federer">Roger Federer</a> and Rafael Nadal have reached a secret deal to trade clothing styles for each of their respective dominating Grand Slams.<br />
Nadal has been sporting the same outfit that Federer wore three years ago, being dubbed "Darth Federer" during the evening matches.<br />
Nadal was not coy for his reasoning. "I nid every chance to win US Open. If I look like Rog, I will win like heem."<br />
On the other end of the deal, Federer is rumored to be planning to sport the pirate attire complete with wife beater and Capri shorts for the French Open. He is also reported to have been working on his loud groans when returning service. "If this does not work, I am going to build a huge clay castle on the side of the court and bury some unpleasant treasure."<br />
Other players in negotiation for trade in style is Novak Djokovic and Marcos Baghdatis. Djokovic is planning on growing his hair long and sporting a kerchief (Baghdatis-style) complete with a shiny crucifix. He is now adopting the habit of kissing the ground wherever he goes.<br />
For his part, Baghdatis is planning to get a buzz cut and go shirtless at the conclusion of his matches. He has also been working on his Berdych and Soderling impersonations.<br />
World No. 4 Andy Murray was perplexed. "I cannot understand their thinking. Did Rafa's sponsors run out of the pink colour? He's a good friend of mine so hopefully he will take my advice to stick with something different than the black. Personally, I would go after the Federer 2005 US Open outfit. Just one thing stopping me though—my pride for being original." <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>Roberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04279216314680083551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918951441596054821.post-58898965789191032092010-08-14T10:26:00.000-04:002010-09-25T13:24:12.095-04:00Roger Federer Passes Torch To Rafael Nadal; Accidentally Burns His Knees<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/images/photos/001/007/872/99604346_crop_340x234.jpg?1281813933" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="220" src="http://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/images/photos/001/007/872/99604346_crop_340x234.jpg?1281813933" width="320" /></a></div><br />
SATIRE — In a closed ATP award ceremony in Toronto, Canada last night, Roger Federer was given a torch that he was to hand over to Rafael Nadal to congratulate him on being the new world's number one in tennis.<br />
As Nadal waited awkwardly, Roger made his way up the steps towards the podium with the flaming torch. However, Federer missed the last step and fell forward towards Nadal's knees.<br />
It seemed like it was a moment frozen in time with Roger holding the torch on Rafa's knees. However in reality it was a good minute and it actually looked like Roger was out doing a good barbecue.<br />
"Arrgghh!!!" Nadal winced out in pain. "My knis!!! My knis.", he screamed out.<br />
Roger dropped the torch and went to Nadal's aid as did most of people there. After a few more minutes, they decided to put Rafa in a stretcher and whisk him off to the hospital.<br />
Before Rafa left, he made a desperate hand motion towards the torch which was still burning on the floor. Roger picked up the torch.<br />
"Don't worry Rafa. Take a good year off to recuperate and umm.. you know, it looks like you won't be needing this now, right? I mean, I'll hold on to it until...umm you know ... you feel you think you can come back and get it again, you know?<br />
"I mean, it will be interesting to see if you can come back, you know. So don't worry it is in good hands should you come back, you know? Okay, thanks and bye and umm.. I will be by for a visit after the next grand slam okay?Roberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04279216314680083551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918951441596054821.post-24949177868514076102010-05-22T10:28:00.000-04:002010-09-25T11:01:54.496-04:00The Onion: America's Finest New Source Except For Tennis [Satire]<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/images/photos/000/958/120/86426370_crop_340x234.jpg?1274581894" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="220" src="http://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/images/photos/000/958/120/86426370_crop_340x234.jpg?1274581894" width="320" /></a></div><br />
SATIRE—The Onion News, a self-congratulatory satire paper circulating in the American West has decided to alter its slogan due to its poor tennis coverage. <br />
When asked why tennis was not listed in the sports section of the paper, Editor Joe Randazzo replied "Aieeeee, ma fung**le. If I wanna write bout dat, I ama gonna write about my squash buddies. Besides, badminton is a fairy sport and it don't matter to me if that Raffie Nadali wins his French Badminton trophy again."<br />
"I only gonna write aboud him if he joins da NBA...otherwise get da f*** out of my face so I can stuff it with my cannolies."<br />
Senior editor Todd "toddie on the poddie" Hanson was more surprised by the question. "Are they still playing that sport? I thought they closed it all up when Jimmy Connors retired."<br />
Contributing editor Danny Mulligan said he had nothing to contribute.<br />
Each of the writing staff was asked about the French Open and was completely stunned to find out it had nothing to do with golf but said it did not matter because they hate all things French. <br />
When asked who <a href="http://bleacherreport.com/roger-federer">Roger Federer</a> was, almost half of the writing staff thought he was a razor salesman. The rest drew a blank stare.<br />
Editorial manager Kate Palmer, decided on adding the "except for tennis" to the Onion slogan because she said snubbing talented tennis writers and looking stupid was more of the American way and the Onion did not want to disappoint worldly views of this stereotype.Roberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04279216314680083551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918951441596054821.post-17813058023479614372010-03-04T10:31:00.000-05:002010-09-25T11:00:11.427-04:00Real Cause Revealed For Federer's Lung Condition: Chain Smoking (Humor)<div class="separator" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="220" src="http://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/images/photos/000/832/312/FedererNadalfinal_crop_340x234.jpg?1267760288" width="320" /></div><br />
<br />
SATIRE — Tennis superstar Roger Federer today shocked the world by confessing that he is in reality a chain-smoker. He held a press conference today in Basel, Switzerland to offer his sincere apologies in Tiger Woods-like fashion. Here is the transcript:<br />
"First of all, I want to apologize to my wife Mirka. I am sorry that I deceived you and the twins. I realize the road to recovery is going to be long. But I am committed to making amends and not having to cough through it."<br />
"I want to make clear that in no way did Mirka ever hand me a cigarette nor did she ever suggest doing so. She is completely innocent in this ordeal. I want her and the world to know that I am using the patch and will return to smoker's therapy as soon as I am done here."<br />
"My lung infection was my body telling me that it was not going to tolerate a pack a day while I compete in the Grand slams. I want to also apologize to my parents for letting them down although, Dad, I did see some questionable plants you were growing downstairs in the basement where my bedroom used to be."<br />
"I want to thank the players on the tour for their understanding. I want you to know that I will be back better than ever and if you think I was tough after beating you while smoking "camels", you better watch out when I finally kick the habit."<br />
"I hope to back for tennis someday. I am not sure when that day will be but I think it could be for Indian Wells. Indian Wells will be a challenge for me because of the great memories and smokes at the reservation over there. I want to send a big puff out to my friend Chachi."<br />
Although Roger Federer did lose Nike and Adidas as sponsors, he did pick up Du Maurier's and Malboro to compensate.<br />
Upon finishing his interview, Roger was whisked away into his smokey limo where he was rumored to have said "Light me up!" upon entering it.Roberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04279216314680083551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918951441596054821.post-83991076864762230562010-02-12T10:38:00.001-05:002010-09-25T10:43:27.722-04:00Andy Murray Inks New Deal With Colgate (Humor)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/images/photos/000/819/467/96292449.jpg.766_crop_340x234.jpg?1265996068" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="220" src="http://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/images/photos/000/819/467/96292449.jpg.766_crop_340x234.jpg?1265996068" width="320" /></a></div><br />
SATIRE — British No. 1 tennis star Andy Murray has inked a $3.2 million deal with Colgate toothpaste and he does not necessarily have to use the product.<br />
Colgate spokesman David Hork said that he personally spoke to Murray and had very few specific requirements in order to fulfill his contractual obligations.<br />
"Basically we want to see more of what Andy Murray does best and that is to roar like a lion and show everyone his pearly whites. Whether Murray wins or not, is hardly consequential to our endorsement; as long as he is plenty happy or frustrated, then we are happy."<br />
Andy Murray's dentist is equally happy about this, but not for the same reason. "I have been after him since he was a kid to use Colgate. I hope they urge him to use the product because he does not come to see me that often.<br />
"I have resorted to blowing up his photo (see above) to find out if there is any significant decay in his teeth."<br />
The dentist who refused to be named went on about the above photo. "You see the upper left corner in Murray's mouth? Check out sector E4. There is a cavity in the waiting my friend, and you can't air brush that!<br />
"I get frustrated when I see these pictures not only because of the incoming cavities, but also because I can never get him to open his mouth this wide when he is in my chair."<br />
Rumors that a pending Scope Mouthwash endorsement are awash much to the chagrin of the front row of fans who are closest to Murray when he wins or loses a point.Roberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04279216314680083551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918951441596054821.post-42806966739985077972009-11-16T13:39:00.000-05:002010-09-25T13:41:36.953-04:00Andre Agassi's Big Misunderstanding<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/images/photos/000/755/901/92945948.jpg.13864.0_crop_340x234.jpg?1258398424" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="220" src="http://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/images/photos/000/755/901/92945948.jpg.13864.0_crop_340x234.jpg?1258398424" width="320" /></a></div><br />
SATIRE — Andre Agassi finally acknowledged that there has been a monstrous error in his new book "Open".<br />
"I meant to say that I had taken Crystal Pez and not Crystal Meth. I had a serious addiction to the crystal Pez dispensers back in 1997. It was so bad that I offered to buy out the production company to discontinue the product", he said.<br />
Andre said that the Pez head kept looking at him and providing him with continuous sweet candy.<br />
"I would push back his head and yet another piece of candy would appear. It was relentless and never-ending."<br />
Agassi at first denied reports that he was using Crystal Pez to his family and the press. His coach at the time, knew better.<br />
"I would walk in and see him with a family of Pez dispensers and he would try to cover it up.", said former coach Brad Gilbert.<br />
"He tried to make it seem like he was giving these toys to friend's kid but all the candy in each one had been consumed. That is when I knew that he needed help."<br />
Agassi checked in to the Betty Ford Candy Clinic for severe diagnosis of sucrose addiction. Four and a half months later, he was clean.<br />
"I just want to say that maybe my experience can be a lesson to others. Just say no to Pez dispensers. Don't feel sorry for Pez just because he has only a head and no hands or legs. Just move on."<br />
The Pez Company has declined interviews but has stated that its Crystal Pez lines are now oddly out of stock.Roberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04279216314680083551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918951441596054821.post-27025294997121520552009-10-27T13:44:00.000-04:002010-09-25T13:45:03.266-04:00The Newest Testament: The Greatest Tennis Birth Story Ever Told<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/images/photos/000/742/241/1-snow-nativity-004-320_crop_340x234.jpg?1257903685" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="220" src="http://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/images/photos/000/742/241/1-snow-nativity-004-320_crop_340x234.jpg?1257903685" width="320" /></a></div><br />
SATIRE — In the beginning there was Goat. Goat made the world and saw it was good. He even made some animals in the pasture in his own image. Goat worked hard on creating different things on Earth. His last creation took place just before the weekend (Saturday for the Jews and Sunday for everybody else). That last creation was mankind.<br />
On Friday, March 12, 5025 BC at 4 p.m., Goat let out a huge sigh. "Holy sh**, am I bushed!" And so, He rested and took the weekend off.<br />
He soon got really bored with humanity and so to make things interesting, He decided to mess around with their minds.<br />
"Let me favor one group of people over the other and see what happens." He said.<br />
He soon got tired of that and decided to punish his favored group.<br />
Several thousands of years went by when Goat had an idea. "I know, I will create a flood in which I will attempt to kill every living thing on the planet."<br />
"That might be boring so I am going to put all my cards on this one guy. I will ask him to build a boat. Anything that goes on that boat will survive. Everything else is f***ed. Wait, hee hee. He is going to have to get two of every living thing on that boat. Priceless!"<br />
Noah looking up, could hardly believe his ears. Before any thoughts came to his mind, Goat spoke down in a thunderous voice. "If you want to think of those thoughts, I will smote thee and get someone else to build the bloody boat."<br />
Noah built the biggest boat. It was so huge, he named it "Titanic." It was a huge zoo of animals and a vast laboratory of every insect and plant living on the planet. Some species did not survive because Noah accidentally collected two males hence the birth of homosexuality.<br />
Goat flooded the earth and in doing so killed out one species that had been mankind's worst enemy<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;">—</span>the Unicorn. The unicorn had literally been a pain in the ass, impaling men and women although the women seemed to not mind as much. Noah who was previously a Unicorn's b*tch, conveniently left them off the list.<br />
Goat grew tired of watching the boat float and decided to run it right into an iceberg. Luckily, the iceberg was connected to a whole bunch of others, allowing the inhabitants on the boat to get out and survive.<br />
Goat eventually allowed the water to recede and it seemed the large icebergs grew and became huge mountains. Noah and a team went up there looking for food but because Goat in his wisdom had killed everything, they became cold and hungry up there.<br />
They came back screaming "Help! help!" The people by the boat thought they said, "Alp Alp." ...and so the mountain became known as the Alps.<br />
In this small area of land, there came a very brave man who challenged Goat.<br />
His name was Albert Schweitzer. He openly declared his non-belief in Goat. Goat smote him down but the people took great pity and named their land after him<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;">—</span>Schweitzerland. It was shortened later to Switzerland.<br />
Another thousand years came and went and Goat got tired of watching from above. He wanted in on the action down below. People were developing sports, entertaining, working and anything else that came with living a human life.<br />
Goat decided to become a human. But how? Who would run the show while he was gone? Easy, He would simply be in two places at the same time. He would pick an unsuspecting couple, inseminate the wife and become the offspring.<br />
Robert Federer and his South African exchange student girlfriend had just started dating. Lynette was a stunning beauty who was attracted to Robert's walrus moustache, his good looks and his penchant for Swiss fondue dinners.<br />
Their relationship became passionate and let's just say that this was one Swiss who did not have clockwork-like timing. Goat brought on a rainstorm in the fields where they lay, prompting Robert to do a coitus interruptus.<br />
Goat planted his own seed in the raindrops that fell onto Lynette who screamed to Robert to get off his arse and cover her with a towel.<br />
A few months later, Lynette learned she was with child. Robert married her in a small quiet ceremony and they moved to the spicy town of Basel.<br />
It was tourist season and all the hotel rooms were booked for months. Luckily, Robert had been a dynamite TNT technician. He found a huge mountain and blasted a cave out of it, careful not to cause an avalanche.<br />
They brought their animals into the cave and Robert built a huge fire. Goat busy watching all of this, decided to send some of his angel messengers to the skiers on the mountain to tell them of the miraculous birth about to happen.<br />
The skiers were freaked out and a few wiped out on the mountain. Many were tourists and did not know the mountain well and ended up getting lost. Others looked to the stars in the sky and followed the Big Dipper into Italy.<br />
Two or three managed to make it to the cave and bent down on their skis to pay homage to the new Federer who had just been born about fifteen minutes earlier.<br />
After five minutes of loving adoration, they got up and left for the chalet worrying that they may have missed the early-bird supper.<br />
Not happy with just the little fanfare that this birth had received, Goat arranged to have three wise men<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;">—</span>Borg, Lendl, and McEnroe wonder aimlessly to pay homage. They finally entered the cave seeking refuge from the turbulent storm outside.<br />
Borg, who many had compared to the Swedish god Thor, was the first to speak up. "We have come bearing gifts. We bring gold (tennis balls), Wilson (tennis rackets), and Nike (shoes) as a token of our worship of the anointed one."<br />
Lendl stepped forward, silently stared and bowed. He then stepped back. McEnroe stepped forward, looked at the baby and scoffed "You can't be serious!"<br />
Just then a tennis ball whipped out from the baby's direction, hitting McEnroe between the eyes. McEnroe blinked uncontrollably and wobbled his head before collapsing.<br />
As McEnroe slowly stirred, all three of the wise men looked at Lynette who was starting to glow with love for her son. They waited in anticipation to her reaction to their gifts.<br />
Finally she spoke.<br />
"What useless f***ing *&^% is this? Open your eyes, it is a BABY. Could you not have brought something to help us out here...oh I don't know...like DIAPERS....how about ...oh, BABY OIL or CREAM. What the F*** were you thinking bringing him tennis gear!"<br />
Lendl broke his silence. "I am sorry milady but you should not be taking these gifts in the literal sense. It is very symbolic."<br />
Lynette cut him off. Take your goddamn tennis balls, rackets and shoes which by the way would never FIT HIM! Take them and your God-damn symbolism and get out. GET OUT!! GET OUT!!<br />
Robert Federer ushered them out and frowned while issuing a brief apologetic statement. "I am so sorry but you really came in at the wrong time of the month."<br />
As they faced the brutal whipping wind and snow, McEnroe turned to Borg and said, "I am going to whip your a** in Wimbledon for this."Roberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04279216314680083551noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918951441596054821.post-24111672286811065422009-10-18T01:14:00.000-04:002010-10-03T01:20:24.563-04:00The Gallery Of Fame (Fantasy)The Tennis Museum had been built in New York City in 2015. Through the years, its constant renovations had seen a tentacle-like expanse that incorporated every corner of Tennis history.<br />
There were large rooms for every era and each was accompanied by several walled monitors of video footage designed to transport its visitors to those respective eras.<br />
Among those many rooms was a long dimly lit hall which was grounded with a solid grey marble floor. Aptly entitled "The Gallery Of Fame," the incredible length of the hall meant that the wide immaculate marble narrowed almost to nothing as far as the eye could see.<br />
On either side of the walls were larger than life portraits of the various legends that played the game. Each portrait was infused with powerful lighting that breathed the essence into each of its stilled subjects.<br />
It was an ordinary day in October 2044. The Gallery had been closed for a few hours. Each portrait nestled in darkness with just a faint hum of the emergency lights. The eerie quiet was interrupted by the creaks of the entrance door.<br />
Two janitorial figures came through. Skip Blake, 65, was a long-time caretaker of this room. His assistant was Joe Watson, a young man, fresh out of high school.<br />
The two slowly wheeled in their cart of cleaning supplies and Skip flicked on a switch which brought the room to a life of living color.<br />
Skip let out a sigh as if met by a long lost friend. Joe was perplexed. He was just curious about the work that had to be done.<br />
Skip must have noticed as the spell had been momentarily broken. His being brought back to reality lead him to give the instructions to his new apprentice.<br />
"Floors need to be swept and mopped. Floor waxing is once every Sunday and the portraits need a light dusting," he said.<br />
Almost as soon as he had finished. Joe had the broom out and was sweeping at light speed while applying to each portrait as he went. Skip watched in silence, his arms folded.<br />
Though the hallway was long, Skip was amazed at the speed in which Joe returned. He grabbed his mop and was about to take off when Skip grabbed his arm.<br />
<b>Skip:</b> No!<br />
<b>Joe:</b> No? What do you mean?<br />
<b>Skip:</b> Listen.<br />
<b>Joe (Perplexed):</b> But....I don't hear anything.<br />
<b>Skip:</b> Exactly. You have to embrace that as you work otherwise you won't hear them.<br />
<b>Joe:</b> Hear whom?<br />
<b>Skip:</b> Them. (Pointing to the portraits) Give me the mop and walk with me.<br />
They walked slowly as Skip eased the mop on the floor. The first portrait they came to was <a href="http://bleacherreport.com/andy-murray">Andy Murray</a>.<br />
<b>Skip: </b> Andy does not like it when you scurry by him. You need to comfort him because he never feels comfortable in his own skin. Be respectful of him or he will curse you and that stays with you a long time. I know.<br />
<b>Skip:</b> Next we have Pete Sampras. Pete is a fierce competitor but a real warm gentleman. You need to give him a wink to let him know that everything is all right and he is in good hands under care.<br />
<b>Joe:</b> Are you serious? These are portraits.<br />
<b>Skip:</b> They could become more if you allow them to. Over here we have Andre Agassi blowing kisses to the crowd. Blow him a kiss and you will feel his charm.<br />
<b>Joe:</b> This is crazy.<br />
<b>Skip:</b> Maybe but there is much method to this madness. Now over here, the great <a href="http://bleacherreport.com/rafael-nadal">Rafael Nadal</a> doing a fist pumping action. A simple "Vamos" keeps him from furrowing his eyebrows.<br />
<b>Skip:</b> Ahh..<a href="http://bleacherreport.com/andy-roddick">Andy Roddick</a> complete with puffed cheeks as he prepares to serve. If you have a smart-ass comment, Andy would love to hear it and sometimes he will even reply.<br />
<b>Joe:</b> Wait a minute. Back up you missed a portrait. This one is of....James Blake.<br />
<b>Skip:</b> I skipped him because it is not time. <i>(He stares for a bit, a tear or two threatening to fall)</i> . However, for you, you should chat him up for a bit. I think he would like that very much.<br />
<b>Joe:</b> You know he looks like.....<br />
<b>Skip:</b> Moving on, we have John McEnroe. Don't let him fool you. He is a grouch on the outside but inside he is a softy. We had to move his neighbour down one because they could not get along.<br />
<b>Joe:</b> Who was that?<br />
<b>Skip:</b> You'll see. His new neighbour is none other than Bjorn Borg. Borg is quiet but he always comes out to watch you if you are good at what you do. Our next portrait is Ivan Lendl.<br />
<b>Joe:</b> So this guy and John...<br />
<b>Skip:</b> Yes they had an unfriendly rivalry so a little distance is good. Over here we have <a href="http://bleacherreport.com/lleyton-hewitt">Lleyton Hewitt</a>. Once in a while if you hear "Come On" with an Aussie accent, Lleyton is your man.<br />
<b>Joe:</b> G'dai Mate..<br />
<b>Skip:</b> No fake Aussie accents..he really does not take kindly to that. Next up, <a href="http://bleacherreport.com/roger-federer">Roger Federer</a>. I usually take my bic lighter and light it up for Roger but I never bring it anywhere near his portrait.<br />
<b>Joe:</b> Why do you do that?<br />
<b>Skip:</b> It is a sixties and seventies tradition that has carried on...obviously not to your generation. This is a portrait of Novak Djokovic. Novak is special. He will mimic you when you are not looking so try not to do anything silly.<br />
<b>Joe:</b> Okay.<br />
<b>Skip:</b> Well we have reached the end. Remember what I have told you and they will treat you well and maybe let you in on a few of their secrets.<br />
<b>Joe:</b> Okay<br />
<i>As Joe is about to leave, he hears a voice. "You cannot be serious!"</i> <i>Joe turns around and finds the hall as empty as he left it. </i><br />
<b>Joe:</b> Did you hear that?<br />
<b>Skip:</b> Hear what?<br />
<i>Joe shakes his head and then leaves. Skip watches him closely as he goes.</i> <br />
<b>Skip:</b> You will be just fine my friend.<br />
He turns to the empty hall of portraits.<br />
<b>Skip:</b> My friends, my time with you has come to an end. You were in good hands under my care and you will continue to be in good hands well into the future. Rest well for you know I will be among you.<br />
<i>As Skip closed the door, he heard a strong "Vamos!" and chuckled quietly to himself. He went on to live the rest of natural life in peace knowing that "The Gallery Of Fame" would continue to live on. </i>Roberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04279216314680083551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918951441596054821.post-32403199997056253612009-08-23T01:22:00.000-04:002010-10-03T01:25:51.500-04:00Roger Federer Hoists $25 Walmart Nut Bowl For Cincinnati Win (Humor)<div class="article-page" id="content"><textarea id="create-poll-template" style="display: none;"><form action="/articles/241444-roger-federer-hoists-25-walmart-nut-bowl-for-cincinnati-win-humor/polls" id="poll-form"> <input type="hidden" name="article_id" value="241444" /> <ol> <li> <label for="poll-question"><strong>Question:</strong></label> <ul id="poll-questions"> <li><input type="text" name="question" id="poll-question" /></li> </ul> <div id="error-question" style="display:none"> Please enter a question. </div> </li> <li> <label for="poll-question"><strong>Choices:</strong></label> <ul id="poll-choices"> <li><input type="text" name="choices[]" id="poll-question" class="poll-choice" /></li> </ul> <div id="error-choices" style="display:none"> Please enter at least two choices. </div> </li> </ol> <input type="submit" id="review-poll" class="submit" value="Preview" /> <input type="submit" id="save-poll" class="submit" value="Save" /> </form> </textarea> <div id="article-gradient"> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="article-photo-wrapper" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"> <img alt="CINCINNATI - AUGUST 23: Roger Federer of Switzerland holds the winners trophy aloft after defeating Novak Djokovic of Serbia in the Singles Final during day seven of the Western & Southern Financial Group Masters on August 23, 2009 at the Lindner Family Tennis Center in Cincinnati, Ohio. (Photo by Nick Laham/Getty Images)" class="article-photo imagery" height="234" rel="crop_x:,crop_y:,crop_h:,crop_w:,original_file_name:" src="http://cdn.bleacherreport.com/images_root/image_pictures/0608/9573/100597_crop_340x234.jpg" width="340" /> <span> (Photo by Nick Laham/Getty Images) </span> </span></div><div id="article-body"> <div class="analytics" id="must-reads"><div class="links"><h4><br />
</h4></div></div>SATIRE — Cincinnati organizer Keith Levitt was frantic. He had worked hard and long to make sure that the Cincinnati Masters went off without a hitch. He knew all eyes would definitely be on the city especially during the men's tour.<br />
Levitt tried to breathe a sigh of relief but he had that nagging feeling that he forgot something.<br />
That something was going wallop him with about a half an hour remaining in the final between <a href="http://bleacherreport.com/roger-federer">Roger Federer</a> and Novak Djokovic.<br />
The realization made his eyes widen with horror. With one heart-attack induced gasp, he screamed.<br />
"SH*T!!!! THE F**CK'N TROPHIES!!!<br />
He yelled for his assistant Arnie "Goonie" Gobson. Gobson was a slow-witted nephew that Levitt promised to take under his wing.<br />
He smacked Arnie's hand with $150. "Get over to any trophy store you can and get something that involves a tennis theme. You have to get back here before the match is over so...MOVE!"<br />
Before Arnie could ask any questions, Uncle Keith pushed him out the door. Arnie did not know of any trophy stores and if he did, this was Sunday. So he went to the only store that he knew could help him out.<br />
He went to Wal-Mart.<br />
He asked almost every associate where he could get a pair of trophies, but no one had any idea of what he wanted.<br />
Finally, one associate pointed out that there were some lovely crystal nut and fruit bowls on sale. They were $25 each and $45 for the pair. Arnie bought both and raced back towards the stadium<br />
He presented his purchases to his uncle who then turned white.<br />
"WHAT THE F*** DID YOU DO! I OUGHT TO SMASH THIS OVER YOUR ....OH SHOOT, Roger has won...give me that!!!"<br />
Levitt raced over and placed the two bowls on the table just as the presentation was about to start. He started to sweat and if he had eaten anything for lunch, he was sure he would have crapped it by now.<br />
Amazingly, the presentation went off without a hitch. Levitt did notice the Walmart price sticker on the bottom of each trophy but was not worried as both players had an abundance of trophies not to notice.<br />
Gobson was about to leave when his uncle called for him. Expecting to be rewarded for his efforts, he was surprised when his uncle asked for his change.<br />
Levitt smiled as his nephew handed over the money. "Great. Next year we're going to Price Choppers!"<br />
</div><div id="article-actions"> <div id="article-actions-box"> <a class="small-gray inverted button check_probation png-fix" href="" id="flag-article-button" title="Flag this article as infringing, libelous, defamatory, obscene, pornographic, abusive, offensive, or for plagarism."><span class="share-icon flag-icon"></span></a></div></div></div></div><div class="article-page" id="sidebar"><div id="sec-video"> </div></div>Roberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04279216314680083551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3918951441596054821.post-10097472199920184472009-08-15T01:26:00.000-04:002010-10-03T01:28:57.085-04:00Andy Murray Goes Undercover As a Birthday Clown (Satire)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://cdn.bleacherreport.com/images_root/image_pictures/0590/5888/100597_crop_340x234.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="220" src="http://cdn.bleacherreport.com/images_root/image_pictures/0590/5888/100597_crop_340x234.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
SATIRE — Between the long stretch of time between Wimbledon and the Roger's Cup, <a href="http://bleacherreport.com/andy-murray">Andy Murray</a> had the chance to work on his game. More importantly, he had a mandatory meeting with his Public Relations management.<br />
Riley "Smiley" Jenkins was Murray's contact. He stood 5'2", weighed 297lbs, and was the jolliest man this side of Disneyland.<br />
Jenkins was far too cheery for Andy Murray's liking but he tolerated him as he had to work with Jenkins in order to improve his Scottish dour image.<br />
"Well, Andy, we need to lighten you up a bit. You are much to frigid. You don't seem comfortable in your own skin. So, I thought you could be someone else for a day. Here is your makeup bag and here are your clothes. ", he said.<br />
"Hurry up and get dressed because you have a birthday party in just a half an hour." Jenkins roared.<br />
Andy Murray looked at his gear. "What is this stuff?"<br />
Jenkins almost burst out of his skin. "It's a clown outfit!!! Now get ready because the kids are waiting."<br />
Half an hour later, Andy Murray showed up to the birthday party wearing a "Bozo The Clown" outfit complete with a large red afro wig and four feet long inflated shoes.<br />
<strong>Andy Murray (under his breath):</strong> I don't f***ing believe I am doing this.<br />
<strong>Mother of the Birthday child: </strong> Oh good, the clown is here. The kids are waiting for you in the back. HEY KIDS, BOZO IS HERE!!!<br />
<em>A group of ten hyper eight year olds, rush over to Andy Murray knocking him over and pummeling him.</em><br />
<strong>Andy Murray:</strong> "Jes** Chr***! Get OFF OF ME!<br />
<strong>Birthday Boy:</strong> Mommy! Mommy! That clown just took the Lord's name in vain and he is a big meanie!<br />
<strong>Mother:</strong> Really! I don't know who you think you are, you clown but you had better watch your mouth or I will roll your ten foot tongue out and wash it with soap!<br />
<strong>Andy Murray:</strong> Yes ma'am.<br />
<strong>Mother:</strong> Now get in the back and entertain them. They are expecting a magic show by the pool side.<br />
<em>Andy Murray gets set up for the magic show while the kids all gather and sit in front of him. They have been drinking pop all day and can hardly sit still. They each have a basket of candy. Andy takes far too long to get set for the show. </em><br />
<strong>Kid 1:</strong> Come on you dufus! Hurry up and do some magic!<br />
<strong>Kid 2:</strong> Is he a real clown? It doesn't look like he is smiling at all!<br />
<strong>Kid 3:</strong> Hey, make Jimmy the dork here disappear or change him into a frog so I can slip him down Janie Thompson's dress.<br />
<em>Andy the clown tries a lame trick in which the coin that he was trying to hide accidentally falls out of his trick sleeve. </em><br />
<strong>Birthday Kid:</strong> Bozo, YOU SUCK!!!<br />
<em>All the kids start shrieking the same thing and start to pelt Andy the clown with their available candy. The sudden onslaught of candy hitting Andy sends him backwards causing him to fall into the pool. His large inflatable feet were stubbornly refusing to sink into the wavy pool water. </em><br />
<strong>Birthday Kid:</strong> HEY EVERYBODY!!! CANDY IN THE POOL! EVERYONE CANNONBALL THE POOL AND GET THE CANDY!!<br />
<em>Andy was just getting to the surface of the water when a barrage of kids came flying at him. Each cannonball threatened to keep him under. He finally managed to get his water-filled over-size shoes out of the pool and layed on his back trying to cough up the excessive chlorine water. The mother was standing over him with her hands on her hip. </em><br />
<strong>Mother: </strong>Is this what you call entertaining? You got clown makeup, your magic cards, pigeons and a rabbit floating around with the kids in my pool. I hope you have a trick that makes all that disappear my friend or you will be cleaning this all up!<br />
<em>Before Andy could say anything, the birthday boy showed up with a large furry donkey's tail. </em><br />
<strong>Birthday Boy:</strong> HEY EVERYBODY! LET'S PLAY PIN THE TAIL ON THE DUFUS CLOWN!!<br />
<em>He then starts to jab and stab Andy in the rear with the large pointy pin end. </em><br />
<strong>Andy Murray:</strong> AAHHH F***!!!! That hurts, you little Sh**!!!<br />
<strong>Mother (Calls to her husband):</strong> BUTCH! Come here and throw this lousy, foul-mouthed, poor excuse of a clown out!<br />
<em>Just then Butch, a meaty 6'2 325lb monster shows up and drags Andy the clown out by his over-sized toes. Less than an hour later, a physically wrecked Andy Murray shows up at Riley Jenkin's office. </em><br />
<em>He throws down the clown clothes and magic kit on Jenkin's desk. </em><br />
<strong>Andy Murray:</strong> I have had it up to here with your PR bullsh**! From now on, I play tennis, concentrate on tennis and nothing else.<br />
I am going to be one bad-a** tennis player. I am going to destroy my opponents and I will give the worst interviews ever. Just shoot me if you ever see me smile!<br />
<em>Andy Murray walks out of the office and on his way to number two. </em>Roberthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04279216314680083551noreply@blogger.com0