Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Scientists Isolate "Sin" Gene: Religion Rendered Obsolete

Leading scientists at the University of Maryland have reportedly isolated the "sin" gene.  "We've struggled with its whereabouts for years.", declared German professor Helmut Blaupunkt.  "The only reason we have consistently located it is because of its tell-tale horns.", he revealed.  "This means the end of murder, torture, fornication and other indecent human acts throughout the ages.  Science be praised!", exclaimed Dr. Blaupunkt. 

Many scientists were ecstatic and called for the implementation of the removal of genes during the process of childbirth.  Others were not sure and raised objections.  Doctor Hellbent, a university professor at Stanton was one of those concerned.   "Do the rest of us want to live out the rest of our lives, constantly being judged by this new race of Jesus and Mary clones?  I mean there was enough trouble just to try and follow two and now there is going to be millions!", he shrugged.  

Scientists have confirmed over and over that there is no mistaking this "sin" gene.  Once removed they have observed a gold halo form above the head of the subjects.  Also noted was the subjects' speech pattern had changed considerably.  Before isolation, modern English verbs were employed.  However, after the isolation procedure, English verbs were changed to add a "eth" sound at the end of each one.  Thus, verbs like "runneth", "sayeth," "jumpeth", "walketh" and "burpeth" were regularly incorporated into their speech patterns.

The world religious leaders were resigned to the results and were tremendously dismayed.  The Pope himself called for calm on this sober, dark day.  "You no longer need our guidance.  Go forth and sin no more which I know you will do.  Before closing up shop, we will hold confessions for those wishing to hold on to their "sin" gene a bit longer."

Another group seriously affected was the US bible belt.  Statisticians immediately noticed that both crime and scandals immediately dipped once the effects of isolating the gene appeared within the said areas.  Another noticeable effect was the intense raised level of IQ and literacy.   Not only could everyone read, but their increase interest in diversity was extraordinary.    

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