Roger Federer Passes Torch To Rafael Nadal; Accidentally Burns His Knees

SATIRE — In a closed ATP award ceremony in Toronto, Canada last night, Roger Federer was given a torch that he was to hand over to Rafael Nadal to congratulate him on being the new world's number one in tennis.
As Nadal waited awkwardly, Roger made his way up the steps towards the podium with the flaming torch.  However, Federer missed the last step and fell forward towards Nadal's knees.
It seemed like it was a moment frozen in time with Roger holding the torch on Rafa's knees.   However in reality it was a good minute and it actually looked like Roger was out doing a good barbecue.
"Arrgghh!!!"  Nadal winced out in pain.  "My knis!!!  My knis.", he screamed out.
Roger dropped the torch and went to Nadal's aid as did most of people there.  After a few more minutes, they decided to put Rafa in a stretcher and whisk him off to the hospital.
Before Rafa left, he made a desperate hand motion towards the torch which was still burning on the floor.  Roger picked up the torch.
"Don't worry Rafa.  Take a good year off to recuperate and umm.. you know, it looks like you won't be needing this now, right?  I mean, I'll hold on to it until...umm you know ... you feel you think you can come back and get it again, you know?
"I mean, it will be interesting to see if you can come back, you know.  So don't worry it is in good hands should you come back, you know?  Okay, thanks and bye and umm.. I will be by for a visit after the next grand slam okay?

The Onion: America's Finest New Source Except For Tennis [Satire]

SATIRE—The Onion News, a self-congratulatory satire paper circulating in the American West has decided to alter its slogan due to its poor tennis coverage. 
When asked why tennis was not listed in the sports section of the paper, Editor Joe Randazzo replied "Aieeeee, ma fung**le.  If I wanna write bout dat,  I ama gonna write about my squash buddies.  Besides, badminton is a fairy sport and it don't matter to me if that Raffie Nadali wins his French Badminton trophy again."
"I only gonna write aboud him if he joins da NBA...otherwise get da f*** out of my face so I can stuff it with my cannolies."
Senior editor Todd "toddie on the poddie" Hanson was more surprised by the question.  "Are they still playing that sport?  I thought they closed it all up when Jimmy Connors retired."
Contributing editor Danny Mulligan said he had nothing to contribute.
Each of the writing staff was asked about the French Open and was completely stunned to find out it had nothing to do with golf but said it did not matter because they hate all things French.
When asked who Roger Federer was, almost half of the writing staff thought he was a razor salesman. The rest drew a blank stare.
Editorial manager Kate Palmer, decided on adding the "except for tennis" to the Onion slogan because she said snubbing talented tennis writers and looking stupid was more of the American way and the Onion did not want to disappoint worldly views of this stereotype.

Real Cause Revealed For Federer's Lung Condition: Chain Smoking (Humor)

SATIRE — Tennis superstar Roger Federer today shocked the world by confessing that he is in reality a chain-smoker.  He held a press conference today in Basel, Switzerland to offer his sincere apologies in Tiger Woods-like fashion. Here is the transcript:
"First of all, I want to apologize to my wife Mirka.  I am sorry that I deceived you and the twins.  I realize the road to recovery is going to be long.  But I am committed to making amends and not having to cough through it."
"I want to make clear that in no way did Mirka ever hand me a cigarette nor did she ever suggest doing so.  She is completely innocent in this ordeal.  I want her and the world to know that I am using the patch and will return to smoker's therapy as soon as I am done here."
"My lung infection was my body telling me that it was not going to tolerate a pack a day while I compete in the Grand slams.  I want to also apologize to my parents for letting them down although, Dad, I did see some questionable plants you were growing downstairs in the basement where my bedroom used to be."
"I want to thank the players on the tour for their understanding.  I want you to know that I will be back better than ever and if you think I was tough after beating you while smoking "camels", you better watch out when I finally kick the habit."
"I hope to back for tennis someday.  I am not sure when that day will be but I think it could be for Indian Wells.  Indian Wells will be a challenge for me because of the great memories and smokes at the reservation over there.   I want to send a big puff out to my friend Chachi."
Although Roger Federer did lose Nike and Adidas as sponsors, he did pick up Du Maurier's and Malboro to compensate.
Upon finishing his interview, Roger was whisked away into his smokey limo where he was rumored to have said "Light me up!" upon entering it.

Andy Murray Inks New Deal With Colgate (Humor)

SATIRE — British No. 1 tennis star Andy Murray has inked a $3.2 million deal with Colgate toothpaste and he does not necessarily have to use the product.
Colgate spokesman David Hork said that he personally spoke to Murray and had very few specific requirements in order to fulfill his contractual obligations.
"Basically we want to see more of what Andy Murray does best and that is to roar like a lion and show everyone his pearly whites.  Whether Murray wins or not, is hardly consequential to our endorsement; as long as he is plenty happy or frustrated, then we are happy."
Andy Murray's dentist is equally happy about this, but not for the same reason.  "I have been after him since he was a kid to use Colgate.  I hope they urge him to use the product because he does not come to see me that often.
"I have resorted to blowing up his photo (see above) to find out if there is any significant decay in his teeth."
The dentist who refused to be named went on about the above photo.  "You see the upper left corner in Murray's mouth?  Check out sector E4.  There is a cavity in the waiting my friend, and you can't air brush that!
"I get frustrated when I see these pictures not only because of the incoming cavities, but also because I can never get him to open his mouth this wide when he is in my chair."
Rumors that a pending Scope Mouthwash endorsement are awash much to the chagrin of the front row of fans who are closest to Murray when he wins or loses a point.

Andre Agassi's Big Misunderstanding

SATIRE — Andre Agassi finally acknowledged that there has been a monstrous error in his new book "Open".
"I meant to say that I had taken Crystal Pez and not Crystal Meth.  I had a serious addiction to the crystal Pez dispensers back in 1997.  It was so bad that I offered to buy out the production company to discontinue the product", he said.
Andre said that the Pez head kept looking at him and providing him with continuous sweet candy.
"I would push back his head and yet another piece of candy would appear.  It was relentless and never-ending."
Agassi at first denied reports that he was using Crystal Pez to his family and the press.  His coach at the time, knew better.
"I would walk in and see him with a family of Pez dispensers and he would try to cover it up.", said former coach Brad Gilbert.
"He tried to make it seem like he was giving these toys to friend's kid but all the candy in each one had been consumed.  That is when I knew that he needed help."
Agassi checked in to the Betty Ford Candy Clinic for severe diagnosis of sucrose addiction.  Four and a half months later, he was clean.
"I just want to say that maybe my experience can be a lesson to others.  Just say no to Pez dispensers.  Don't feel sorry for Pez just because he has only a head and no hands or legs.  Just move on."
The Pez Company has declined interviews but has stated that its Crystal Pez lines are now oddly out of stock.

The Newest Testament: The Greatest Tennis Birth Story Ever Told

SATIRE — In the beginning there was Goat. Goat made the world and saw it was good.  He even made some animals in the pasture in his own image. Goat worked hard on creating different things on Earth. His last creation took place just before the weekend (Saturday for the Jews and Sunday for everybody else). That last creation was mankind.
On Friday, March 12, 5025 BC at 4 p.m., Goat let out a huge sigh. "Holy sh**, am I bushed!" And so, He rested and took the weekend off.
He soon got really bored with humanity and so to make things interesting, He decided to mess around with their minds.
"Let me favor one group of people over the other and see what happens." He said.
He soon got tired of that and decided to punish his favored group.
Several thousands of years went by when Goat had an idea. "I know, I will create a flood in which I will attempt to kill every living thing on the planet."
"That might be boring so I am going to put all my cards on this one guy. I will ask him to build a boat. Anything that goes on that boat will survive. Everything else is f***ed. Wait, hee hee. He is going to have to get two of every living thing on that boat. Priceless!"
Noah looking up, could hardly believe his ears. Before any thoughts came to his mind, Goat spoke down in a thunderous voice. "If you want to think of those thoughts, I will smote thee and get someone else to build the bloody boat."
Noah built the biggest boat. It was so huge, he named it "Titanic." It was a huge zoo of animals and a vast laboratory of every insect and plant living on the planet. Some species did not survive because Noah accidentally collected two males hence the birth of homosexuality.
Goat flooded the earth and in doing so killed out one species that had been mankind's worst enemy—the Unicorn. The unicorn had literally been a pain in the ass, impaling men and women although the women seemed to not mind as much. Noah who was previously a Unicorn's b*tch, conveniently left them off the list.
Goat grew tired of watching the boat float and decided to run it right into an iceberg.  Luckily, the iceberg was connected to a whole bunch of others, allowing the inhabitants on the boat to get out and survive.
Goat eventually allowed the water to recede and it seemed the large icebergs grew and became huge mountains. Noah and a team went up there looking for food but because Goat in his wisdom had killed everything, they became cold and hungry up there.
They came back screaming "Help! help!" The people by the boat thought they said, "Alp Alp." ...and so the mountain became known as the Alps.
In this small area of land, there came a very brave man who challenged Goat.
His name was Albert Schweitzer. He openly declared his non-belief in Goat. Goat smote him down but the people took great pity and named their land after him—Schweitzerland.  It was shortened later to Switzerland.
Another thousand years came and went and Goat got tired of watching from above. He wanted in on the action down below. People were developing sports, entertaining, working and anything else that came with living a human life.
Goat decided to become a human. But how? Who would run the show while he was gone?  Easy, He would simply be in two places at the same time. He would pick an unsuspecting couple, inseminate the wife and become the offspring.
Robert Federer and his South African exchange student girlfriend had just started dating.  Lynette was a stunning beauty who was attracted to Robert's walrus moustache, his good looks and his penchant for Swiss fondue dinners.
Their relationship became passionate and let's just say that this was one Swiss who did not have clockwork-like timing.  Goat brought on a rainstorm in the fields where they lay, prompting Robert to do a coitus interruptus.
Goat planted his own seed in the raindrops that fell onto Lynette who screamed to Robert to get off his arse and cover her with a towel.
A few months later, Lynette learned she was with child.  Robert married her in a small quiet ceremony and they moved to the spicy town of Basel.
It was tourist season and all the hotel rooms were booked for months. Luckily, Robert had been a dynamite TNT technician. He found a huge mountain and blasted a cave out of it, careful not to cause an avalanche.
They brought their animals into the cave and Robert built a huge fire. Goat busy watching all of this, decided to send some of his angel messengers to the skiers on the mountain to tell them of the miraculous birth about to happen.
The skiers were freaked out and a few wiped out on the mountain. Many were tourists and did not know the mountain well and ended up getting lost. Others looked to the stars in the sky and followed the Big Dipper into Italy.
Two or three managed to make it to the cave and bent down on their skis to pay homage to the new Federer who had just been born about fifteen minutes earlier.
After five minutes of loving adoration, they got up and left for the chalet worrying that they may have missed the early-bird supper.
Not happy with just the little fanfare that this birth had received, Goat arranged to have three wise men—Borg, Lendl, and McEnroe wonder aimlessly to pay homage. They finally entered the cave seeking refuge from the turbulent storm outside.
Borg, who many had compared to the Swedish god Thor, was the first to speak up.  "We have come bearing gifts. We bring gold (tennis balls), Wilson (tennis rackets), and Nike (shoes) as a token of our worship of the anointed one."
Lendl stepped forward, silently stared and bowed. He then stepped back. McEnroe stepped forward, looked at the baby and scoffed "You can't be serious!"
Just then a tennis ball whipped out from the baby's direction, hitting McEnroe between the eyes. McEnroe blinked uncontrollably and wobbled his head before collapsing.
As McEnroe slowly stirred, all three of the wise men looked at Lynette who was starting to glow with love for her son. They waited in anticipation to her reaction to their gifts.
Finally she spoke.
"What useless f***ing *&^% is this? Open your eyes, it is a BABY.  Could you not have brought something to help us out here...oh I don't know...like DIAPERS....how about ...oh, BABY OIL or CREAM.  What the F*** were you thinking bringing him tennis gear!"
Lendl broke his silence. "I am sorry milady but you should not be taking these gifts in the literal sense. It is very symbolic."
Lynette cut him off. Take your goddamn tennis balls, rackets and shoes which by the way would never FIT HIM! Take them and your God-damn symbolism and get out. GET OUT!! GET OUT!!
Robert Federer ushered them out and frowned while issuing a brief apologetic statement. "I am so sorry but you really came in at the wrong time of the month."
As they faced the brutal whipping wind and snow, McEnroe turned to Borg and said, "I am going to whip your a** in Wimbledon for this."

The Gallery Of Fame (Fantasy)

The Tennis Museum had been built in New York City in 2015. Through the years, its constant renovations had seen a tentacle-like expanse that incorporated every corner of Tennis history.
There were large rooms for every era and each was accompanied by several walled monitors of video footage designed to transport its visitors to those respective eras.
Among those many rooms was a long dimly lit hall which was grounded with a solid grey marble floor. Aptly entitled "The Gallery Of Fame," the incredible length of the hall meant that the wide immaculate marble narrowed almost to nothing as far as the eye could see.
On either side of the walls were larger than life portraits of the various legends that played the game. Each portrait was infused with powerful lighting that breathed the essence into each of its stilled subjects.
It was an ordinary day in October 2044. The Gallery had been closed for a few hours. Each portrait nestled in darkness with just a faint hum of the emergency lights. The eerie quiet was interrupted by the creaks of the entrance door.
Two janitorial figures came through. Skip Blake, 65, was a long-time caretaker of this room. His assistant was Joe Watson, a young man, fresh out of high school.
The two slowly wheeled in their cart of cleaning supplies and Skip flicked on a switch which brought the room to a life of living color.
Skip let out a sigh as if met by a long lost friend. Joe was perplexed. He was just curious about the work that had to be done.
Skip must have noticed as the spell had been momentarily broken. His being brought back to reality lead him to give the instructions to his new apprentice.
"Floors need to be swept and mopped. Floor waxing is once every Sunday and the portraits need a light dusting," he said.
Almost as soon as he had finished. Joe had the broom out and was sweeping at light speed while applying to each portrait as he went. Skip watched in silence, his arms folded.
Though the hallway was long, Skip was amazed at the speed in which Joe returned. He grabbed his mop and was about to take off when Skip grabbed his arm.
Skip: No!
Joe: No? What do you mean?
Skip: Listen.
Joe (Perplexed): But....I don't hear anything.
Skip: Exactly. You have to embrace that as you work otherwise you won't hear them.
Joe: Hear whom?
Skip: Them. (Pointing to the portraits) Give me the mop and walk with me.
They walked slowly as Skip eased the mop on the floor. The first portrait they came to was Andy Murray.
Skip: Andy does not like it when you scurry by him. You need to comfort him because he never feels comfortable in his own skin. Be respectful of him or he will curse you and that stays with you a long time. I know.
Skip: Next we have Pete Sampras. Pete is a fierce competitor but a real warm gentleman. You need to give him a wink to let him know that everything is all right and he is in good hands under care.
Joe: Are you serious? These are portraits.
Skip: They could become more if you allow them to. Over here we have Andre Agassi blowing kisses to the crowd. Blow him a kiss and you will feel his charm.
Joe: This is crazy.
Skip: Maybe but there is much method to this madness. Now over here, the great Rafael Nadal doing a fist pumping action. A simple "Vamos" keeps him from furrowing his eyebrows.
Skip: Ahh..Andy Roddick complete with puffed cheeks as he prepares to serve. If you  have a smart-ass comment, Andy would love to hear it and sometimes he will even reply.
Joe: Wait a minute. Back up you missed a portrait. This one is of....James Blake.
Skip: I skipped him because it is not time. (He stares for a bit, a tear or two threatening to fall) . However, for you, you should chat him up for a bit. I think he would like that very much.
Joe: You know he looks like.....
Skip: Moving on, we have John McEnroe. Don't let him fool you. He is a grouch on the outside but inside he is a softy. We had to move his neighbour down one because they could not get along.
Joe: Who was that?
Skip: You'll see. His new neighbour is none other than Bjorn Borg. Borg is quiet but he always comes out to watch you if you are good at what you do. Our next portrait is Ivan Lendl.
Joe: So this guy and John...
Skip: Yes they had an unfriendly rivalry so a little distance is good. Over here we have Lleyton Hewitt. Once in a while if you hear "Come On" with an Aussie accent, Lleyton is your man.
Joe: G'dai Mate..
Skip: No fake Aussie accents..he really does not take kindly to that. Next up, Roger Federer. I usually take my bic lighter and light it up for Roger but I never bring it anywhere near his portrait.
Joe: Why do you do that?
Skip: It is a sixties and seventies tradition that has carried on...obviously not to your generation. This is a portrait of Novak Djokovic. Novak is special. He will mimic you when you are not looking so try not to do anything silly.
Joe: Okay.
Skip: Well we have reached the end. Remember what I have told you and they will treat you well and maybe let you in on a few of their secrets.
Joe: Okay
As Joe is about to leave, he hears a voice. "You cannot be serious!" Joe turns around and finds the hall as empty as he left it.
Joe: Did you hear that?
Skip: Hear what?
Joe shakes his head and then leaves. Skip watches him closely as he goes.
Skip: You will be just fine my friend.
He turns to the empty hall of portraits.
Skip:   My friends, my time with you has come to an end. You were in good hands under my care and you will continue to be in good hands well into the future. Rest well for you know I will be among you.
As Skip closed the door, he heard a strong "Vamos!" and chuckled quietly to himself.  He went on to live the rest of natural life in peace knowing that "The Gallery Of Fame" would continue to live on.

Roger Federer Hoists $25 Walmart Nut Bowl For Cincinnati Win (Humor)

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(Photo by Nick Laham/Getty Images)

SATIRE — Cincinnati organizer Keith Levitt was frantic.  He had worked hard and long to make sure that the Cincinnati Masters went off without a hitch.  He knew all eyes would definitely be on the city especially during the men's tour.
Levitt tried to breathe a sigh of relief but he had that nagging feeling that he forgot something.
That something was going wallop him with about a half an hour remaining in the final between Roger Federer and Novak Djokovic.
The realization made his eyes widen with horror.  With one heart-attack induced gasp, he screamed.
"SH*T!!!!  THE F**CK'N TROPHIES!!!
He yelled for his assistant Arnie "Goonie" Gobson.  Gobson was a slow-witted nephew that Levitt promised to take under his wing.
He smacked Arnie's hand with $150.  "Get over to any trophy store you can and get something that involves a tennis theme.  You have to get back here before the match is over so...MOVE!"
Before Arnie could ask any questions, Uncle Keith pushed him out the door.  Arnie did not know of any trophy stores and if he did, this was Sunday. So he went to the only store that he knew could help him out.
He went to Wal-Mart.
He asked almost every associate where he could get a pair of trophies, but no one had any idea of what he wanted.
Finally, one associate pointed out that there were some lovely crystal nut and fruit bowls on sale.  They were $25 each and $45 for the pair.  Arnie bought both and raced back towards the stadium
He presented his purchases to his uncle who then turned white.
"WHAT THE F*** DID YOU DO!  I OUGHT TO SMASH THIS OVER YOUR ....OH SHOOT, Roger has won...give me that!!!"
Levitt raced over and placed the two bowls on the table just as the presentation was about to start.  He started to sweat and if he had eaten anything for lunch, he was sure he would have crapped it by now.
Amazingly, the presentation went off without a hitch.  Levitt did notice the Walmart price sticker on the bottom of each trophy but was not worried as both players had an abundance of trophies not to notice.
Gobson was about to leave when his uncle called for him.  Expecting to be rewarded for his efforts, he was surprised when his uncle asked for his change.
Levitt smiled as his nephew handed over the money.  "Great. Next year we're going to Price Choppers!"

Andy Murray Goes Undercover As a Birthday Clown (Satire)

SATIRE — Between the long stretch of time between Wimbledon and the Roger's Cup, Andy Murray had the chance to work on his game.  More importantly, he had a mandatory meeting with his Public Relations management.
Riley "Smiley" Jenkins was Murray's contact.  He stood 5'2", weighed 297lbs, and was the jolliest man this side of Disneyland.
Jenkins was far too cheery for Andy Murray's liking but he tolerated him as he had to work with Jenkins in order to improve his Scottish dour image.
"Well, Andy, we need to lighten you up a bit.  You are much to frigid.  You don't seem comfortable in your own skin.  So, I thought you could be someone else for a day.  Here is your makeup bag and here are your clothes. ", he said.
"Hurry up and get dressed because you have a birthday party in just a half an hour." Jenkins roared.
Andy Murray looked at his gear.  "What is this stuff?"
Jenkins almost burst out of his skin.  "It's a clown outfit!!!  Now get ready because the kids are waiting."
Half an hour later, Andy Murray showed up to the birthday party wearing a "Bozo The Clown" outfit complete with a large red afro wig and four feet long inflated shoes.
Andy Murray (under his breath):  I don't f***ing believe I am doing this.
Mother of the Birthday child:  Oh good, the clown is here.  The kids are waiting for you in the back.  HEY KIDS, BOZO IS HERE!!!
A group of ten hyper eight year olds, rush over to Andy Murray knocking him over and pummeling him.
Andy Murray:  "Jes** Chr***!  Get OFF OF ME!
Birthday Boy:  Mommy! Mommy!  That clown just took the Lord's name in vain and he is a big meanie!
Mother:  Really!  I don't know who you think you are, you clown but you had better watch your mouth or I will roll your ten foot tongue out and wash it with soap!
Andy Murray:  Yes ma'am.
Mother: Now get in the back and entertain them.  They are expecting a magic show by the pool side.
Andy Murray gets set up for the magic show while the kids all gather and sit in front of him.  They have been drinking pop all day and can hardly sit still. They each have a basket of candy.  Andy takes far too long to get set for the show. 
Kid 1:  Come on you dufus! Hurry up and do some magic!
Kid 2:  Is he a real clown?  It doesn't look like he is smiling at all!
Kid 3:  Hey, make Jimmy the dork here disappear or change him into a frog so I can slip him down Janie Thompson's dress.
Andy the clown tries a lame trick in which the coin that he was trying to hide accidentally falls out of his trick sleeve. 
Birthday Kid: Bozo, YOU SUCK!!!
All the kids start shrieking the same thing and start to pelt Andy the clown with their available candy.  The sudden onslaught of candy hitting Andy sends him backwards causing him to fall into the pool.  His large inflatable feet were stubbornly refusing to sink into the wavy pool water. 
Birthday Kid:  HEY EVERYBODY!!!  CANDY IN THE POOL! EVERYONE CANNONBALL THE POOL AND GET THE CANDY!!
Andy was just getting to the surface of the water when a barrage of kids came flying at him.  Each cannonball threatened to keep him under.  He finally managed to get his water-filled over-size shoes out of the pool and layed on his back trying to cough up the excessive chlorine water.  The mother was standing over him with her hands on her hip.
Mother: Is this what you call entertaining?  You got clown makeup, your magic cards, pigeons and a rabbit floating around with the kids in my pool.  I hope you have a trick that makes all that disappear my friend or you will be cleaning this all up!
Before Andy could say anything, the birthday boy showed up with a large furry donkey's tail.
Birthday Boy:  HEY EVERYBODY! LET'S PLAY PIN THE TAIL ON THE DUFUS CLOWN!!
He then starts to jab and stab Andy in the rear with the large pointy pin end. 
Andy Murray:  AAHHH  F***!!!!  That hurts, you little Sh**!!!
Mother (Calls to her husband):  BUTCH!  Come here and throw this lousy, foul-mouthed, poor excuse of a clown out!
Just then Butch, a meaty 6'2 325lb monster shows up and drags Andy the clown out by his over-sized toes.  Less than an hour later, a physically wrecked Andy Murray shows up at Riley Jenkin's office.
He throws down the clown clothes and magic kit on Jenkin's desk. 
Andy Murray:  I have had it up to here with your PR bullsh**!  From now on, I play tennis, concentrate on tennis and nothing else.
I am going to be one bad-a** tennis player.  I am going to destroy my opponents and I will give the worst interviews ever.  Just shoot me if you ever see me smile!
Andy Murray walks out of the office and on his way to number two.

Roger Federer Takes On Jesus In The Greatest Tennis Match Of All (humor)

SATIRE — He had no idea how he got there, but Roger Federer was facing his toughest opponent yet. He knew he had a chance though because the tennis court was a neatly trimmed plush grass of the likes of which he had never seen before.
At first he thought it was Bjorn Borg on the other side.  A long-haired man with a neatly trimmed beard was on the other side warming up.  Roger could see that the man was playing with physically visible signs of tendinitis in both hands and both feet.
Roger looked over at the chair umpire and relished the irony in recognizing him to be John McEnroe. McEnroe summoned both players to the front of his chair.
"Alright, I want a fair fight, Jesus, no funny stuff; just plain good ol' tennis understood?", he said.  "That means no coaching from any outsiders like your mother or your father or ...you! I mean, umm...keep the trinity out of this.  Whatever, just keep it clean."
Roger served first and won the first game.  Jesus then served and held.  They went back and forth throughout the first set until it was tied 6-6.  They then proceeded to the tiebreak.
On a crucial point, Jesus appeared to hit a ball well outside but all of a sudden the court line expanded and the ball landed in.  It would have given the Lord a 6-5 lead.
John McEnroe stopped the play.  "Jesus Christ!!"
Jesus replied with an innocent glance.  "Yes?"
McEnroe was taken aback.  "Uh yeah, come over here."  Jesus approached the chair.  "What did I tell you about keeping it clean?"
Jesus protested "I know not what thou means, sire".
McEnroe was not impressed.  "For Chr***'s Sake, I mean...you kept the shot clean but you cannot adjust the lines.  Now I have to award the point to Roger."
Jesus replied, "If thou sayest so."
McEnroe was not finished.  "YES I SAYEST SO!  NOW STEP BACK AND KEEP IT CLEAN AND KNOCK OFF THE BIBLICAL TALK, PAL.
It was 6-6 all and Roger served an ace down the middle. Federer then returned Jesus serve who then tripped over his white flowing robe and thus dropped the set.
Roger then took the second set 6-1 mostly due to the fact that Jesus was slowing down with his sandals. His feet were beginning to ache.
For the third set, Jesus took of his robe and played in his white loin cloth. It did the trick for he won the set 6-4. Roger complained to McEnroe.
"Hey it's not fair that I have to look at his thin body covered in slash marks, bruises and a hole in the side. It really ruins my concentration."
McEnroe called Jesus over. "Nice tactics, Jesus. However, I am going to have to insist that you put on the appropriate clothing. Hey, take that crown of thorns off too while you are at it.  You can put it back on if you win the match."
Jesus stared at McEnroe for a bit, then shook off his crown and put his robe back on.   He was going to deal with Nike very harshly if he won this match.
Roger broke Jesus in the fourth set but Jesus broke back the next game. They remained on serve up to a second tie break at 6-6.
The tie break went on serve up to 14-14.  Jesus looking at Roger and seeing his sheer determination said, "How is your belief, son?"  He then thundered a serve down the "T" which Roger returned with a beautiful backhand down the line.
Roger looked over at the messiah.
"My belief is pretty good. I beat Santa three days ago and I beat the Tooth Fairy yesterday in the semis and I am about to beat you now."  With that, he threw the ball up in the air and served a hard ace to far outside leaving Jesus wondering where the ball went.
Jesus immediately rewound the play to make sure the ball was on the line.
McEnroe stood up on his chair and yelled, "JES** CHRI**, THAT BALL WAS IN!!!!  GAME, SET, MATCH, ROGER FEDERER!! 7-6, 6-1, 4-6, 16-14."
Jesus fell to his knees and the ground began to shake. Just then, Mirka was shaking Roger awake.
"Roger wake up. You have to play Rafa today for the Madrid finals. What is that silly smile on your face?", she asked.
Roger's smile widened. "If Rafa thinks he can walk on water, I will still beat him."
And the rest as they say, is history.